


you'd be the love of my life (when i was young)

by keepmecaptive



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/F, Friends to Lovers to Enemies, Slow burn ish?, adult toni & shelby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:14:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29317689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepmecaptive/pseuds/keepmecaptive
Summary: it’s been a year since toni and shelby’s messy breakup but the gang is back together for leah and fatin’s wedding, so what happens when toni and shelby are forced to reunite?
Relationships: Fatin Jadmani & Leah Rilke, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 51
Kudos: 391





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> trying my hand at some shoni fanfic because this idea came to me last night. we'll see how it goes...  
> (I did not have someone beta read so sorry for any typos/random tense changes)

  
Toni watches as small flurries of snow drift out across the runway at Minneapolis-St. Paul International. Unfortunately, it’s probably nowhere near enough snow fall to cause any flight delays or cancelations. Her best friends are getting married at the end of a ten day island vacation in Kona, Hawaii, and Toni knew she should be looking forward to the much needed time off, and that she should be over the fucking moon for Leah and Fatin, which she was deep down, passed all the dread she was feeling.

But all she can really think about is that this would be the first time she’d be seeing her in almost a year, and yeah okay, time heals all wounds or however that bullshit saying goes, but based off the way things ended last year, Toni wasn’t even sure an eternity could do the trick.  
The good thing is that Toni has the entire three hour flight to her connection in Phoenix and the eight hour flight to the big island to prepare herself.

“Good afternoon folks, Flight B7314 to Phoenix will be boarding in one hour,” the announcer spoke out over the intercom, dragging Toni from her thoughts. And with that, she sighs, letting her head rest against the cold airport window, not stopping herself when her mind begins to wander, thinking of a day much like this one eight years ago.

It was mid-January and the snowfall had been light for Minnesota that time of year, so Toni had opted to walk to class that day instead of taking the campus bus. She soon realized that was a big mistake because not even five minutes into her fifteen minute walk she could feel the cold wind stinging her cheeks as her brown, curly hair whipped across her face.

Growing up in Minnesota, Toni was used to the cold, so she wasn’t sure when she started to become such a fucking pussy about it, but soon enough she had found herself ducking into the small coffeeshop that was tucked behind the science building. The place was small, with a few tables scattered about. Toni often forgot the place even existed, and as her eyes scanned the room there was only a couple students typing away on laptops, half empty cups of cold coffee on the tables, long forgotten.

“Hi there!” a cherry voice spoke out, drawing Toni’s eyes to the front counter.

The voice had a pretty thick southern accent which sounded very out of place all the way in Minnesota. Though the accent was long forgotten once Toni’s eyes landed on its owner; a girl with a perfectly high blonde ponytail, bright green eyes, and a wide grin was looking back at her expectantly.

Toni opened up her mouth to respond, but her voice caught in the back of her throat, causing her to croak out a weak “Hi,” that sounded more like a breathless whisper than anything else.  
Her cheeks flushed a deep red as she cleared her throat to try again, “Sorry. Uh, hi,” she said, shaking her head slightly as she walked closer to the counter. And Toni wondered to herself when the fuck she became such a mess around cute girls. Except this girl wasn’t just cute, she was _beautiful_.

The girl smiled again as Toni approached the counter and before she could really say anything else the girl said, “Texas.”  
Toni looked at her, eyebrows scrunched together slightly, “Sorry, what?” she asked.  
The girl laughed lightly, “Texas is where I’m from,” Toni looked at her, still confused before she continued, “The accent. It catches people off guard sometimes…though ya’ll do kind of talk funny up here too,” she said.

Toni’s eyes widened slightly at the realization. The accent. Right. The thing is though, she hadn’t really thought much of the girl’s accent once she saw the mouth it was attached to. Her plump, pink lips and perfect white teeth was all Toni saw. She found herself looking down at those very lips before trailing her eyes back up the girl’s face. She was met with an expectant look and Toni knew she had missed something, her face growing more red (if that was even possible).

“Sorry, what?” she asked, cursing internally for being so fucking stupid.

“I asked what I could get ya?” the girl repeated, smiling in a way that Toni knew she had been caught.

“Right. Small black coffee, please.”

She watched as the blonde grabbed a cup and a sharpie, “Name?” she asked, looking up and meeting Toni’s eyes with her own. The green of her eyes was actually really fucking startling. They were so bright and she had little wrinkles by the corner of eyes, and it made sense because Toni was pretty sure she had not stopped smiling. Normally, this kind of friendliness would seem nauseatingly fake to Toni, but it didn’t feel that way right now. This girl was a complete stranger, but everything about her felt so genuine to Toni.

“Toni,” she said, smiling a little because she was pretty sure she was coming off as pretty fucking rude right now. She paid the girl and she went about making her coffee as Toni moved to stand awkwardly at the other end of the counter.

“So Toni,” she started as she handed over the hot cup, “I haven’t seen you before. You don’t seem like the students we get in here, the pre-med majors coming in for their first of many caffeine fixes of the day,” she chuckled.

Toni laughed too, “Yeah well that’s not really me. I’m a social work major, first year.”

She nodded understandingly, squinting her eyes slightly before she said, “Yeah, that fits.”

Toni blushed for what felt like the hundredth time, “What about you?” she asked.

“Nursing, so I guess I shouldn’t really be making fun of the pre-meds,” she said, and it the first time since Toni had walked into this place that girl looked a little bit nervous.

Toni squinted her eyes like the girl had before she said, “Yeah, that fits.”  
And the girl laughed this loud, joyous, unapologetic laugh, clearly not caring about the glares she received from the other patrons.

Toni laughed too, and when their laughter died down a bit she made herself ask, “I don’t think I ever got your name?”

And yeah, of course she didn’t because it’s kind of weird to ask for your barista’s name, especially when she’s clearly wearing a name tag and probably not gay. Toni really isn’t getting those vibes, and she tells herself the girl is probably just being nice. Toni asks anyway.

“I’m Shelby,” she said.

And with that Toni swallowed nervously, bit her top lip and said, “Well, Shelby…thanks for the coffee.”

And before Shelby could say anything back, Toni was hightailing it the fuck out of that coffeeshop.

The cold air was a welcome relief to the blush that had still colored her cheeks. She spent the rest of her walk to class replaying their interaction, cringing at how awkward and embarrassing she was, swearing to herself that she’d never show her face in that place again.

God, she couldn’t wait to tell Martha about this later.

But what Toni didn’t know was that she’d be going back there every day from then on, even days when it was a fucking blizzard out and she didn’t even have class, just to buy a coffee she could easily make in her dorm room. Just to see Shelby again.

Toni was brought out of her thoughts by another flight announcement.  
“Flight B7314 will be boarding in fifteen minutes.”  
God, Toni couldn’t believe she had just spent the past forty five minutes daydreaming about her ex. So much for being over it.

And where the fuck is Marty? She thought to herself.

She pulls her phone out of her bag to send Martha a text, thankful again that the girl had agreed to switch plane tickets with Shelby. Ten days on an island with Shelby already sounded like torture enough, let alone twelve hours on a plane.

 _umm where the hell are you???_ She sends a quick text to Martha, and as she lifts her head up again her eyes start scanning the airport gate, looking for her.

Except her eyes land on someone else entirely. Someone she had not planned on seeing this soon. Green eyes meet hers from the other side of the gate and a look of shock appears on Shelby’s face. Her blonde hair is up in a messy bun, and she’s wearing comfy plane clothes- sweats and a University of Minnesota hoodie. Toni’s hoodie. She had wondered what the fuck had happened to that. If Toni wasn’t so pissed off she’d probably notice how Shelby still somehow looks beautiful, her face makeup free and her cheeks pink from the chilly air outside. She reminds herself that she’s supposed to be angry, not checking out her ex-girlfriend.  
Shelby’s approaching her when Toni’s phone goes off and a text from Martha appears on her screen.

_Don’t be mad. I thought you guys could use this time to talk. Catching my connection in Denver now. See you in a few hours. Love you :) <3_

Toni rolls her eyes, guessing by the surprise on Shelby’s face that Martha probably told her she switched tickets with Toni, and then told Toni the opposite.

“She fucking parent trapped us,” she whispers under her breath.

Shelby is almost in front of her now, her mouth beginning to open like she’s going to say something.

When she finally reaches Toni, Toni cuts her off before she can say anything, “Marty screwed us over. I’m taking the aisle seat,” she says, hastily slinging her bag over her shoulder and heading straight for the boarding line.

She ignores the small feeling of guilt creeping into her stomach, knowing very well that Shelby hates flying and the window seat makes her very nervous. In a world where they were still together, Toni would take the window seat no problem, holding Shelby’s hand while the plane takes off.

But what did Toni care? They weren’t together anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spent most of the day writing this instead of doing actual work, so enjoy! :-)

When they find their seats, Toni wastes no time in ripping her earbuds from her carry-on and blasting music in her ears, anything to distract her from the fact that she was just a total dick to Shelby and she kind of feels bad about it.

When the plane takes off, Toni pretends not to notice the way Shelby’s hands grip the armrest, knuckles going white as she nervously glances out the small window. For a split second, Toni thinks about reaching out to hold her hand, but ultimately decides against it. Reminding herself once again that she is _not_ Shelby’s girlfriend anymore, and it was therefore _not_ her job to comfort her.

After the plane takes off, the first half of their flight to Phoenix is pretty uneventful, but Toni can’t help but start to feel a bit frustrated that Shelby hasn’t tried to talk to her. This was a classic Shelby defense mechanism though, shut down and internalize everything. Truthfully, it really pissed Toni off.

And the more Toni was able to sit and think about, the more angry she became. Because who the fuck does Shelby think she is?

What person breaks up with their girlfriend of _six_ years, and not even a week later is on a plane to fucking Ethiopia, going completely off the grid for six fucking months.

Toni found out later from Martha that Shelby had taken a job with Doctors Without Borders. They needed nurses, Shelby was a nurse. And that pissed Toni off more because even when Shelby was being a real asshole, she still managed to be a good fucking person.

What hurt more though was that after she came back to Minneapolis, she didn’t so much as text Toni. Toni found out from an Instagram post of all fucking things. Even when Toni texted her first, telling her to come get the box of her shit still at their apartment, threatening to burn it all if she didn’t come, she got nothing, just Dot knocking at her door a few days later looking awkward and apologetic. Toni couldn’t bring herself to say anything, just wordlessly handed over the box and closed the door.

She may or may not have kept one of Shelby’s old high school tee shirts, but no one had to know about that.

The worst thing about all of this is that Toni can barely stand to be in their apartment anymore. She also can’t bring herself to move either because deep down she’s still hoping Shelby will come home. And she _knows_ how pathetic that is, and she would never say it out loud, not even to Martha. But she’s so stuck between never wanting to see Shelby ever again and wanting so badly for her to just show up at her door.

So instead, Toni does whatever she can to be at the apartment as little as possible. She buries herself in work and social obligations, so when she does finally get back to the apartment she’s either too tired or too drunk to think about how she sleeps in a bed she once shared with the love of her life.

And for the most part she does a pretty good job at not thinking about Shelby, except when she’s sober and well rested on a plane with Shelby sitting barely two feet away.

And yeah, when Shelby is upset she shuts down, stays quiet, but when Toni is upset she just gets petty, which is why about halfway through their flight Toni starts doing whatever she can to piss Shelby off.

It starts with her refusing to move her legs when Shelby gets up to go to the bathroom, causing her to have to climb awkwardly over her. It earns her a deep sigh from Shelby, but nothing more. And that just won’t do, Toni thinks.

Next, when the flight attendant comes around with those little bags of pretzels and hands two to Toni, Toni keeps them both, making a show of eating each bag. All she gets from Shelby is an eye roll and a light shake of her head.

Toni even results to taking her shoes off, which she knows Shelby _hates_ , and Toni does too actually, but she decides it’s worth it if it pisses Shelby off. And to Toni’s surprise, it kind of does. She looks over at Toni with disgust clear on her face as Toni stretches her lean legs out in front of, her black vans tossed to the side and her socked feet touching the dirty airplane carpet.

Shelby eyes her, “Seriously?”

Toni looks at her incredulously, “This is what gets you to finally say something?!”

Shelby scoffs, “You made it pretty clear earlier that you did not want to talk to me.”

Toni rolls her eyes, “You’ve always given up too fucking easily.”

This clearly strikes a nerve because Toni can see a quick look of hurt on Shelby’s face before she covers it up, “Yeah well _you_ never know when to fucking quit, do you?”

Toni’s shocked to even hear her curse like that, it’s something she only ever did in bed, and even then it was rare. People change apparently. Toni can’t even really be mad about it though because she’s seeing this as a victory. Shelby’s finally showing some goddamn emotion.

Toni laughs humorlessly, “How is that an insult, Shelby? At least I don’t leave when shit gets hard,” she strikes back.

Shelby’s face hardens and it looks like she wants to say something, but changes her mind.

“We’re not doing this right now,” she says, slipping earbuds into her ears and turning away from Toni before she can even think of a comeback.

Toni sighs angrily, sitting back in her seat and putting her own earbuds back in her ears. She doesn’t play any music though, instead she just lets her mind wander to a time when long flights with Shelby were something she actually looked forward to.

Toni found out about Shelby’s fear of flying right before they were due to fly out to visit Leah in California over summer break. They had been dating almost six months and it had never really come up, and Shelby had seemed pretty unbothered until it came time to board the plane. She was fidgeting with the sleeve of her hoodie and she kept peaking up towards the front of the line. 

“Hey, is everything okay?” Toni asked, reaching out to grab her hand.

“What, me? Yeah, I’m fine. Peachy,” Shelby replied, unconvincing. And Toni could tell she was definitely not peachy.

“Have you never flown on a plane before?” she asked gently.

Shelby’s eyes widened, “Of course I’ve flown on a plane before, Toni. I just don’t particularly…enjoy it.”

Toni nodded, understanding, and squeezed her hand a little tighter. Shelby didn’t like not having control, and flying on a plane was giving up _a lot_ of control.

“It’ll be okay,” she said, causing Shelby to look down at her, worry still very clear in her eyes.

“I can distract you,” Toni said, winking playfully.

Shelby rolled her eyes, a smile teasing her lips, “If this is your way of trying to convince me to join the mile high club with you, consider it not working.”

Toni laughed, “Well damn. Guess I’ll have to try harder then,” she said, shrugging.

Shelby laughed and finally seemed more at ease as they boarded the plane. Toni took the window seat happily and held Shelby’s hand the entire flight, letting her lean on her shoulder as they each took an earbud, listening to some motivational podcast Shelby had been into lately. It was the first time Toni felt like Shelby let her really comfort her, and for once Toni didn’t feel like the fucked up one in their relationship. Not that having a fear of planes made Shelby fucked up, but it made Toni feel a little better being able to see a part of Shelby that not everyone got access to.

A little bit of turbulence shakes Toni out of her thoughts. When she opens her eyes, she hates that her first reaction is to glance over to Shelby, to see how she’s holding up. Logically, Toni knows that turbulence can’t cause a plane to crash, and she knows Shelby knows that too, but she also knows it still makes Shelby really nervous. And that’s why, before she can stop herself she’s reaching out to touch Shelby’s forearm. Her green eyes spring open at the touch, and Toni notices how the muscles in her arm tense up even more than they were before. This makes Toni withdrawal her hand completely.

“Are you okay?” she asks tentatively.

Shelby smiles tightly, “All good, Toni. Don’t worry about it,” she replies, closing her eyes again and letting her head fall back against the seat.

Toni wishes it was that easy.

About thirty minutes later, the plane lands and the two don’t even look at each other as they grab their carry-ons and exit the plane, heading in opposite directions once they’re in the main terminal. Toni feels like somehow they’ve taken two steps back.

The second boarding process is pretty much the same, except Fatin kindly upgraded them to first class, and Shelby takes the window before Toni can even say anything. She watches her pop a sleeping pill and recline her seat.

Shelby sleeps for most of the first half of the flight, and even though Toni is exhausted, she can’t seem to fall asleep. Shelby stirs a bit when there’s about three hours left, and Toni thinks about asking her for one of the pills she took because whatever it was knocked her ass out, but decides against it.

Instead, Toni orders a Jack and coke, downs it in two gulps, and orders another, and then another.

And maybe the whole thing about getting drunk faster on a plane is true, or maybe it’s because Toni has barely eaten today, but she’s feeling it.

“Starting early I see,” Shelby says, barely looking up at her from whatever lame ass self-help book she’s probably reading.

Toni takes another sip from her drink before saying, “Vacation started the minute I left Minneapolis, sorry I don’t have a stick up my ass like you.”

Over the years, Toni and Shelby have learned that different types of alcohol affects the two of them in different ways. Champagne makes Shelby giggly and overemotional, vodka makes Toni extra touchy, red wine makes them both horny with massive headaches, and whiskey, come to find out, makes Toni even more petty than she normally is.

“All I’m saying is that maybe you shouldn’t show up day one completely trashed,” Shelby says.

“And all _I’m_ saying is that you should mind your own fucking business,” Toni spits back.

That earns her a couple glares from nearby passengers, but she hardly notices, too focused on how angry she’s slowly becoming.

Shelby narrows her eyes at her, “You need to take it down a notch, Toni.”

Toni laughs, but it lacks humor, “You’re not my girlfriend. You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.”

And Shelby surprises her by saying, “Yeah well you didn’t listen to me even when I _was_ your girlfriend,” she says, a smile playing on her lips.

Toni is now looking at her lips, all the insults that were once swimming around in her head completely forgotten. And if this conversation isn’t a perfect example of how their relationship was, Toni doesn’t know what is. How one minute they can be going at each other’s throats, and the next they could be cracking jokes. It was what Toni loved most about Shelby, how fast she could move on from something, how she didn’t let shit get under her skin.

Toni doesn’t really know what to say to that so she looks at Shelby, giving her a small smile, suddenly feeling a little bit lighter. What Toni also really kind of hated about Shelby was how quickly she could make Toni’s anger dissipate.

They stay like that for a moment, just looking at each other before Shelby sighs, leaning back in her seat, and turning her head towards Toni.

“Ya know after all these years, I still don’t know why you gotta run so hot all the time,” she says.

Toni side eyes her and chuckles, “Really? I thought you liked my ‘fiery passion’?” she says, wiggling her eyebrows.

Shelby laughs genuinely at this as she gets the attention of one of the flight attendants, ordering a vodka soda.

Toni gives her a look that says _Seriously?_ And Shelby just shrugs.

“Might as well catch up, maybe a drink will loosen the stick that’s apparently up my ass,” she says.

Now it’s Toni’s turn to really laugh. She takes another swig from her own drink as the flight attendant brings over Shelby’s.

“Just one though,” Shelby clarifies as she looks at Toni over the brim of her glass.

They get drunk.

Like so drunk that when Toni brings up the time her and Fatin went streaking after a frat party, Shelby laughs so hard she snorts half her drink out of her nose.

Toni knows they’re being too loud, judging by the glares they’re getting from other passengers, but she doesn’t care. Shelby looks so fucking cute right now, her wavy, blonde hair slowly falling out of her messy bun, her face and neck red from the alcohol.

It’s the lightest Toni’s felt in months and she doesn’t want to ruin it by saying something stupid just because she’s drunk. They keep the conversation light, talking about the wild shit they did in college, how much they miss being wasted and walking to the 24 hour burrito stand on campus. They talk about how crazy it is that Fatin and Leah are getting married, how much they miss seeing all of their friends all the time.

What Toni doesn’t say is that she always thought her and Shelby would be the first ones to get

married, how she was so sure that she spent four paychecks saving up for an engagement ring. A ring that is still sitting in the back of her sock drawer and has been for over a year now.

They don’t talk about themselves though, neither of them bring up any memory unless it has to do with the entire group. And for once Toni agrees with Shelby’s way of dealing with things. It’s easier that way, Toni thinks, to just not bring it up.

Toni’s now had five Jack and Cokes and she’s telling a story about the time Dot bet her five bucks she wouldn’t use hot sauce as a chaser, and it was so stupid, and at this point Toni is so drunk she’s talking out of her ass. Shelby’s just looking at her with those stupid green eyes, probably not taking in a damn word she’s saying because even though Tony has had more drinks, Shelby’s a fucking light weight. But all of a sudden the look in her eyes turns kind of sad, and Toni notices even in her drunken state, and so she stops talking altogether.

They get real quiet, not saying anything, just looking at each other. But then Toni breaks and asks, “What is it?”

“I’m so sorry, Toni,” Shelby says out of nowhere, slurring her words a bit. And she reaches out towards Toni like she wants to touch her, but there’s still too much room between them.

Damnit, Toni thinks, They were having such a good time not talking about it.

She shakes her head at Shelby before slurring back, “Oh _hell_ no, Shelby. You do not get to do this right now.”

Shelby makes a look like she just watched Toni kick a puppy, “But I just never got a chance to say it,” she starts.

Toni can feel the anger rising in her again, the last couple hours of bliss completely forgotten.

“Yeah well whose fault is that?! You had a whole year to say your piece, Shelby, and you’re gonna try to do it right before we land in Hawaii for our best friends’ wedding?!” Toni realizes she’s basically yelling now as the flight attendant makes her way over.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll quiet down,” she snaps before the flight attendant can say anything.

Shelby continues once she walks away, “It hasn’t not been hard. When I was gone, you’re the only thing I thought about and I-“.

Toni cuts her off, “Don’t talk to me about hard! You disconnected your phone and left me with an apartment I could barely afford! You fucked off for six months and even when you were back you didn’t even have the balls to come pick up your shit on your own. So don’t fucking talk to me about hard, Shelby,” she finishes, breathing heavy with anger, thinking that she’d almost rather the plane do a nose dive into the fucking ocean than carry on with this conversation.

Shelby’s face hardens and she clenches her jaw. Toni sees real anger on her face now, something she hasn’t seen in a really long time.

“You’re not innocent in this either, Toni. You barely gave me a choice!” she says, her voice low and harsh. And if Toni listens real carefully, she can hear the tiniest bit of a Texas accent that still comes out when Shelby’s _really_ mad.

“Oh fuck you, Shelby!” Toni shouts, voice dripping with as much venom as she can muster.

And that shuts Shelby up. They don’t talk for the rest of the flight, and when the flight lands they both stumble off the plane without a signal word between them, getting into separate taxis.

Toni texts Martha back when she’s getting close to the resort.

_too tired and drunk to be mad at u rn…where r u guys???_

_Drunk?? Seriously, Toni? We’re all in the bar in the lobby._

When she arrives at the resort, she sees that Shelby’s beat her there because she walks in on everyone greeting and hugging the blonde, who Toni notices is very much swaying on her feet.

“Hey Shalifoe, nice of you to join us!” Fatin greets, walking towards her.

Everyone except Shelby turns towards her, all immediately shouting greetings to her at once. She realizes now that her head really fucking hurts, as Fatin pulls her in for a hug.

“You smell like a fucking tavern,” she laughs.

“Yeah well, only the best for the bride,” Toni says, making a half-ass attempt at a joke.

She knows Fatin can tell that she’s not doing too great, but she gives her a pity laugh anyway.

Leah comes up next, pulling Fatin into her and kissing the side of her head as she asks Toni about the flight and life in Minneapolis now that her and Fatin aren’t there.

Each of the girls greets her, and Martha is last, pulling her in for a tight hug.

“Judging by the way Shelby won’t even look at you, I’m guessing it didn’t go too well?” she asks.

Toni gives her a hard look and rolls her eyes, “Wow Captain Martha at it again with the big discoveries,” she says.

Martha laughs and Toni really wants to be mad, but she’s too exhausted to really hold a grudge right now. Instead she looks at Martha and says, “Just don’t fucking pull that shit again. We are getting your tickets changed for the flights home because I am _not_ doing another twelve hours of traveling with her.”

And Martha doesn’t say anything, just nods, and goes back towards the group.

Amongst all the chaos of the big reunion, Fatin pulls Toni aside with a concerned look on her face.

“Hey, you good?” she asks.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” Toni says, feeling herself start to sober up as her headache intensifies.

Fatin looks like she wants to press her for more, but decides against it.

“Well for what it’s worth, you know I think what she did was a real dick move, and if her and Leah weren’t so close she’d be off the guest list the minute you-“ Toni stops her mid-sentence.

“Fatin I appreciate it, but that wouldn’t of been fair to her,” she says.

Fatin laughs and looks at her suspiciously, “Six months ago you were calling me practically _begging_ me to uninvite her…what’s changed?”

Toni sighs, “Nothing’s changed really, it was shitty of me to even ask that of you. We both fucked up.”

Fatin gives her a look that reads somewhere between astonished and proud.

“Damn Shalifoe, I’m impressed. You’ve really grown up on me, haven’t you?”

Toni rolls her eyes and scoffs, “Oh please, we both know I can be mature when I want to be.”

Fatin grins, “Yeah okay. But hey, don’t tell Leah but I upgraded your room. I made sure it was the farthest away from Shelby’s…and it has a better view,” she says, winking.

Toni’s eyes widen, “It’s the week of your wedding and you’re giving me a gift?”

“Oh please, it’s hardly a gift considering you just traveled twelve hours just to watch your friends get married and spend ten days with your ex. Just promise me you’ll go out one night and find a nice, hot girl to fuck, okay?”

A look of surprise appears on Toni’s face as looks around to make sure a certain someone didn’t hear what Fatin just said.

“Yeah I don’t think that’ll be happening,” she says.

“You need to get laid, Toni. I promise it’ll help with the whole Shelby thing, I mean come on, it’s been _a year_ ,” Fatin says like it’s the worst thing imaginable.

“How do you know I haven’t slept with someone?” she asks, knowing damn well that she hasn’t.

Fatin gives her a look, “Come the fuck on, Toni. I would know. Your whole body language just reads ‘I haven’t had sex in forever.’”

And with that, Toni decides she’s much too tired and much too drunk to sit here listening to Fatin talk about her nonexistent sex life.

“Goodnight, Fatin,” Toni sings, walking towards the front desk so she can get her room key and go pass the fuck out.

“I hope you at least brought a vibrator!” Fatin yells after her.

And Toni doesn’t even turn around, doesn’t really want to see the rest of the girls laughing, or the look on Shelby’s face. She just flips Fatin off instead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I know there's a lot of discourse going on in the fandom right now about authors writing explicit scenes with minors, so I would just like to make it known that if it wasn't obvious, Toni and Shelby are both 26 in this fic. With that being said, there will be two or three chapters with smut, hence why this fic is rated explicit. This chapter is not one of those chapters, but I will post a CW on the chapters that do have smut in the future.  
> anyways, I appreciate all of the kudos and kind comments, and as always, thanks for reading!

Toni wakes up to the loud ringing of the hotel phone on the nightstand. The sound does nothing to help the headache that’s already forming, and she hasn’t even opened her eyes yet.  
She lets it ring a couple times, hoping that whoever is on the other end will just give up, and it seems like they do because the ringing stops abruptly. 

“Thank god,” she mumbles to herself, turning over on her stomach fully prepared to go back to sleep. 

Except not even a second later the phone starts ringing again, jolting her awake for good now. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” she groans, picking up the phone and bringing it to her ear, not saying a word. 

“Rise and shine,” a voice sings on the end, “I know you’re hungover, but at least you’re hungover in paradise,” the voice says. 

Toni rolls her eyes, “Fatin, seriously? Why the fuck are you calling me so early?”

“Toni, it’s ten o’clock. That’s hardly early, plus breakfast is at ten thirty, and then we’re all going on a group hike up to the waterfall,” Fatin says.

“Okay 1. Shouldn’t you be having morning sex with your fiancé right now? And 2. Since when are we doing scheduled activities? I thought this was vacation, not fucking summer camp,” Toni says, already growing worried at the fact that she’d be having to spend time with Shelby on day one. 

“Well 1. We already did, and it was great. You should try it sometime. 2. I promised Dot at least one group activity a day.”

Toni groans and falls back down onto the bed, “You want me to try having sex with Leah?” she asks, smirking. 

“Oh come on, dude. You know what I mean,” Fatin says, but Toni can hear Leah laughing on the other end. 

“Listen,” Fatin continues, “I would love nothing more than to be sitting my ass in a lounge chair sippin’ daquiris all day, but we also haven’t seen anyone since the move to Chicago, so maybe this’ll be fun.”

“Yeah, I doubt that, but I have a feeling I don’t really have an option…?” Toni asks. 

Fatin laughs, “Yeah no, sorry dude. See you for breakfast in twenty, love you!” she says, hanging up before Toni can argue anymore. 

Toni hangs the phone up beside her, sitting up in bed and rubbing her hands down her face. She checks her phone, seeing a couple missed texts from Martha and few from Fatin and Dot in their group chat. She sees the time is 10:05, so she begrudgingly gets up and searches her bag for some Advil. Once she locates the bottle of pain meds, she pops a couple into her mouth and makes her way into the large bathroom. She turns on the shower, setting the nozzle to the hottest temperature and strips out of her tee shirt and sweats, waiting as the room fills with hot steam. She takes a moment to look at herself in the mirror, noticing for the first time how terrible she looks, brown curls messy with sleep, dark circles under her eyes, and at least fifteen pounds lighter than she was a few months ago. She’d like to tell herself that she just looks like this because of the hangover, but she knows that’s not the case. 

She’s looked like this for a year now, and as she steps under the hot stream of water, letting the water wash away the day before, part of her wishes it could wash away the past eight years too. 

…

Toni and Shelby were not traditional lesbians. As in, they didn’t completely U-Haul week two of dating. They were actually friends for a couple years first, which looking back Toni has no idea how they made it that long. She was completely gone for Shelby the minute she saw her, but she was also kind of doing this on and off long distance thing with Reagan, and by the time they broke up for real she was pretty sure she and Shelby were stuck being friends. 

Toni was wrong about that one though, so very wrong. 

Shelby was the one to make the first move actually. It was the end of sophomore year and Toni was having the group over for a celebratory end of term game night except everyone but Shelby ended up bailing. Toni found out later that it all been on purpose to get Shelby and Toni alone, but at the time she didn’t think much of it. 

“Your move,” Toni said, watching as Shelby took a sip of her red wine and went on to appear as if she was thinking long and hard about her next move. 

Toni had taken this time to look at her, like really look at her. Shelby’s hair was down for once, falling around her face in soft, blonde waves. Her cheeks were flushed a light pink from the wine as she bit her lip in concentration. And this was one of the many times Toni thought about kissing her, about how her mouth would taste like that coconut lip gloss she always has on, or that maybe she’d taste the wine on her tongue. She wanted to drag her finger along her jaw and her collarbone. She wanted to place wet, open mouthed kisses down her neck, comb her fingers through Shelby’s long blonde hair. Toni wanted everything with her. 

“Ahem,” Shelby said, dragging Toni from her thoughts, looking at her expectantly with a small smirk on her lips. 

“Sorry, what?” Toni asked obliviously.  
“I just passed GO, cough up 200 bucks, banker,” Shelby said, holding out her hand. 

“Oh, right,” Toni said, handing her the 200 in Monopoly money. 

“Are you bored?” Shelby asked as Toni was doing her turn. 

“What? No, of course not!” she said frantically. 

Shelby laughed at how easily flustered Toni was, “How about we take a shot every time we pass GO?”

“Uhh are you trying to get alcohol poisoning?” Toni asked, but when Shelby got up to get the bottle of vodka and a couple shot glasses, handing her one the next time she passed GO, Toni took it without a word. 

They made it three rounds before the two of them were pretty far passed buzzed. The Monopoly game had been long forgotten and they were sitting side by side on the floor, backs pressed against Toni’s couch. Shelby moved to lay her head on Toni’s shoulder and Toni stiffened as she felt Shelby’s hot breath hitting the underside of her jaw. They sat like that for a moment, neither of them saying anything until Shelby spoke up. 

“How did you know?” she whispered. 

Toni furrowed her brows, confused, “How did I know what?”

Shelby didn’t move away from her spot leaning against Toni when she said, “How did you know you were gay?”

Oh. 

Toni’s breath hitched in the back of her throat. They hadn’t really talked about her sexuality before. It was pretty obvious Toni was a lesbian and Shelby was always supportive, but she kind of just assumed Shelby was straight even though she had only mentioned one shitty high school boyfriend. 

Toni swallowed, drunk thoughts and questions swimming around in her mind, “I, uh, I don’t know. I guess I just had a crush on a girl and then after that it was another girl, and another girl. I thought maybe I’d have a crush on a boy at some point but it just never happened. Twenty years later and it still hasn’t happened so I’d say it’s pretty safe to say that I’m probably a lesbian,” she said, laughing nervously. 

Shelby hummed beneath her, deep in thought. 

“Why?” Toni asked, her curiosity getting the best of her.  
“I like someone…a girl,” she said, and Toni’s eyes widened a little at the admission. “I’ve known that I like girls since high school but my family, they don’t really believe in that sort of thing. I think I just buried it deep down like it was this ugly thing about me that would go away if I just didn’t act on it, but I’m not sure I can do that anymore, you know?”

Toni turned a little to look at her, Shelby’s head moving away from her shoulder.  
“Hey,” Toni said softly, reaching out to grab the top of Shelby’s hand, “That part of you isn’t ugly, Shelby. It’s just who you love, and love isn’t ugly.”

Shelby bit her lip, looking conflicted, like she knew deep down that what Toni was saying was true, but there was still years of internalized hatred. 

“I always thought you were real brave,” Shelby said, “You’re so free and unapologetically yourself.”

Toni’s thumb rubbed over the top of Shelby’s hand, “You’re free too, Shelby. You’re hundreds of miles away from all those bullshit expectations that were put on you growing up. You can be your own person now. I know you might not believe it right now, but you’re really brave too, and I think you should tell this girl how you feel,” Toni said, even though it pained her a little to tell the girl she’s liked for two years to go after someone else. 

“What if she doesn’t feel the same way?” 

Toni scoffs, “Oh come on, Goodkind. You’re a total catch. She’d be stupid not to feel the same way.”

The look on Shelby’s face changed. She was biting her lip in that contemplating way, and next thing Toni knew she was surging forward, grabbing Toni’s face, and pressing her lips against Toni’s. It took Toni all of half a second to react before she moved her lips against Shelby’s, bringing her hand up to grasp Shelby’s arm. It was messy at first and Shelby tasted like alcohol and coconut lip gloss, but it wasn’t long before their lips were moving in sync. Shelby’s hands moved to tangle in Toni’s dark waves as her tongue eased into her mouth. Toni’s mouth opened easily, as all she could think was Shelby’s kissing me, Shelby’s kissing me, Shelby’s kissing me.  
And who knows how long the kiss really lasted, but with Shelby switching between long, languid kisses and short, soft pecks with playful bites, it could’ve been hours for all Toni knew. It all made Toni’s head spin. And when Shelby did finally pull away, Toni found herself whimpering softly, chasing her lips and pulling Shelby back in for a couple more kisses. She wanted to stay in this moment forever. She wanted Shelby’s lips and hands all over her. God, she was so drunk and so in love that when she pulled away again, panting against Shelby’s mouth, she didn’t want to open her mouth to say anything in fear that either “I love you” or “Please fuck me” would come out. 

Instead, Shelby was the first one to speak, “So do you?” she asked, her second opened ended question of the night. 

Toni looked up at her, “Do I what?”

Shelby blushed and looked down at her hands, “Feel the same way?” she asked, looking back up at Toni. 

Toni’s eyes widened in surprise before she pulled Shelby against her, their foreheads coming to rest together. Toni was hyperaware of how hard she was breathing right now, but when Shelby’s piercing green eyes met her own, she flushed, and embarrassingly said, “God I am so gone for you.” 

Relief washed over Shelby’s face before she laughed, which was soon muffled by Toni’s lips. 

…

Forty-five minutes later, Toni makes her way down to breakfast and is thankful to see that most of the group is already gone, with just Nora and Rachel sitting over at one of the tables. Toni met Rachel in a bio class freshman year of college, and she met Nora of course just by the fact that she was Rachel’s sister. Toni and Rachel had a rough start, two dominate personalities assigned to be lab partners could never be expected to go all that well, but they made it through. And Toni eventually realized that Rachel was pretty fucking cool. Toni thought Nora was cool too, just a little quiet. And it always seemed like she saw stuff that other people didn’t, Toni never really understood her. 

“Hey guys,” Toni says, walking over to their table holding a cup of black coffee and some fruit. The hangover was not helping her appetite. 

“Hey, how ya feelin?” Rachel smirks.

Toni shrugs, “Could be worse I guess.”

“Dot said Shelby was puking this morning, if that makes you feel any better,” Nora says. 

Rachel gives her a look, “Nor, shut it.”

“It’s okay, guys. I’m not gonna like start crying just because you mention her name,” Toni says. 

They both give her a look like they don’t really believe her. 

“Seriously! It’s been a year, I’m good,” Toni says again, though she doesn’t really believe herself either. 

Nora gives her a small smile, “Well no one would really blame you if you weren’t.”  
Toni sighs, picking at the fruit on her plate, “I just want to have a good time with my friends who I never see any more without everyone looking at me like I could spontaneously combust.” 

Nora looks like she wants to say more, but doesn’t. 

Rachel speaks up then, “Fair enough. We won’t bring it up again,” she says, looking pointedly at Nora. “So are you ready for that hike today?” Rachel asks. 

“Hell no,” Toni laughs, and with that the conversation moves on to much lighter topics, which Toni is very grateful for. 

An hour later, Toni finds herself covered in sweat walking in the forest, and this is really not how she pictured this trip starting out. 

“Are we almost there?” Fatin whines.

Leah reaches out and grabs her hand, pulling her in for a chaste kiss, “You promised me no complaining,” she says, pulling back from the kiss, “Plus, I think I hear the waterfall.”

“Okay, but we’re doing what I want later on, no questions asked,” Fatin says, and Toni can practically hear the smirk on her face. 

Leah doesn’t say anything, just pulls Fatin in for another kiss, this one much longer than the first. And before long, they’re full on making out, as Leah pushes Fatin up against a nearby tree. The rest of the group hasn’t really noticed as they all keep walking, but Toni can’t help but turn around just to fuck with them.

“Hey love birds, I know you’d love nothing more than to be having sex right now on the beach somewhere, but this isn’t really a group activity if the whole group isn’t participating,” she says, looking directly at Fatin. Toni considers this payback for the early wakeup call. 

“Oh cool it, Shalifoe,” Fatin laughs, grabbing Leah’s hand and walking back over to join the group. 

“You could get in on it, if you want,” Leah says, barely able to keep a straight face. 

“Oh fuck off, Rilke,” Toni says, pushing her shoulder playfully. 

The girls laugh and Toni turns away from them as they continue on the path to this waterfall, the waterfall Toni is beginning to think might not even exist. 

“Nice one, babe,” she hears Fatin say. 

Toni is a little surprised at how easy it is for her and Shelby to avoid each other. For the majority of the hike, she stays towards the back with Martha, Leah, and Fatin, with Shelby leading the way up front with Dot, Rachel, and Nora. After what felt like forever, Toni could finally hear the rushing water of the waterfall nearby. And a few moments later, they were there. The water was the clearest water Toni had ever seen, she could see straight to the bottom, which probably would have been a little unnerving had it not been so beautiful. 

The girls laugh and cheer as they all begin stripping down to their swimsuits, jumping in the water and swimming under the waterfall. Toni’s eyes look over at Shelby right as she’s stripping out of her clothes, revealing the hot pink bikini she had underneath. She lets her eyes wander down her body, taking in her full hips and long legs. But when she looks up again, her eyes meet a pair of green ones looking right back at her. Her face flushes deep red as she averts her eyes quickly.  
This is going to be a long ten days.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: minor character death

After the hike yesterday, they had all grabbed a late lunch together at a restaurant outside of the resort, and even though her and Shelby sat at opposite ends of the table, Toni could still feel the girl’s eyes on her every now and then, and there was this unmistakable tension between them, like even after a year there was still shit they needed to say to each other. 

And Toni was right apparently, about there still being shit to be said because later on, after they had all returned from lunch and ventured off to different parts of the resort, a hand tapped on the back of Toni’s shoulder as she was turning to head back towards her room, fully prepared to take a hot shower and pass out. Instead, she turned around and was met with the last person she expected. Shelby was looking back at her, a surprised look on her face.

They didn’t say anything at first, but after a couple awkward seconds passed, Shelby spoke up. “Do you have a minute to talk?” she asked, looking nervous and like she half expected Toni to spit in her face. 

Toni looked back in the direction of her room, and then back at Shelby. “Okay,” she said, and Shelby nodded as turned around and lead Toni outside of the hotel lobby. They ended up on a more secluded part of the beach, away from the kids playing in the water and couples laughing and sipping drinks. 

They settled in the sand next to each other, but Toni made sure to leave plenty of distance between them. They sat in silence for a moment, looking out towards the water. The only sound between them was of the waves hitting the shore in front of them and noises from the resort faint in the background. 

“I just thought maybe we should talk and clear the air,” Shelby said.

“The air seems pretty clear to me,” Toni said, teasing. Shelby looked at her, unbelieving. “It’s a little foggy at best,” she said, a small smile playing on her lips. Toni huffed out a laugh, side-eyeing her as she wondered what the hell Shelby was getting at. 

“I just don’t want things to be weird between us, okay? I don’t want everyone thinking they have to keep a watchful eye, like we’re on the verge of blowing up at each other,” Shelby said. 

“What do you want then, Shelby?” Toni asked, getting slightly frustrated because she knew what Shelby really meant, that Toni sometimes can’t help but start shit. 

Shelby sighed, turning fully towards Toni and looking right at her eyes for the first time since they sat down, “I just want for us to be okay.”  
Toni forced herself to look up at her, “Well you lost that chance like a year ago. I don’t know what to tell you,” she said angrily. Shelby’s eyes dropped and she didn’t say anything so Toni continued, a whole year’s worth of shit she’d wanted to say suddenly bubbling up in the back of her throat. “You shut me out, Shelby. And when shit got a little too hard for you, you left. And what hurts the most is how fucking easy it was for you to go, how quick you were to pack your shit and fuck off to a completely different continent, like moving out of our apartment wasn’t enough for you,” Toni said, wiping angrily at the tears that had begun to fall down her cheeks. 

“It wasn’t easy, Toni,” Shelby said, voice hoarse like she was holding back tears herself. 

Toni scoffed, “Yeah, well you could’ve fooled me,” she said, and what she said next she knew was going to drive an even deeper wedge between them. “Listen, I know everything with your dad was really difficult for you, but if I had known what kind of person I was going to get when you came back, I would’ve just told you not to bother.” 

Shelby’s eyes widened in shock, hurt clear on her face for a split second before it was replaced with anger, “Oh so it’s okay to give up when it’s you doing it?” she spit out. 

Toni shook her head, “No, Shelby. But you went to Texas and came back a fucking ghost, someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. And I gave you time, so much fucking time and so much fucking space because that’s what you wanted, even though it killed me to watch you fucking wither away like that,” she said, looking at Shelby with wide, desperate eyes. 

…

It had been almost two years now since Dave Goodkind had passed away. Toni hadn’t known much about Shelby’s family, only that they were very religious and not in support of Shelby’s sexuality whatsoever. She knew about Becca and about Shelby’s time at a “church retreat” the summer before senior year of high school, but Shelby never went into much detail. It pained her to talk about what her life had been like back in Texas, so Toni didn’t force her. And as far as Toni knew, she hadn’t had much contact with her family since she left for college until Shelby’s mother called on a random Tuesday in March. Toni would never forget the look on Shelby’s face when she picked up the phone, as she heard her mother’s voice for the first time in over four years. She’d never forget the pale expression that had washed over Shelby’s face as she clutched her cell phone in her hand, knuckles turning white as her mother spoke on the other end. The phone call lasted only a few minutes, but when she hung up Toni could feel that something had changed. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, rushing to Shelby’s side, and when Toni went to caress her cheek she noticed the way Shelby stiffened under her touch, and how there was a look in her eyes Toni hadn’t quite recognized.  
“It’s my dad,” she said, “He’s sick…he has cancer. Stage four.” Shelby had said it all very matter of fact, with barely any emotion attached to her words, but Toni had caught the small look of sadness on her face before the mask was up. The way Shelby could so strategically hide any and all emotion had always made Toni feel a little uneasy. Toni had always been someone who displayed every emotion clear as day on her face, and she always felt things so deeply, but Shelby was different. Shelby’s world could be falling down around her and no one would ever know. But Toni knew. Toni could tell in the way her bottom lip quivered just slightly, and the way her right eyebrow crinkled. By now, Toni could tell the difference between all of Shelby’s smiles, like the fake pageant grin she used when she was trying to be convincing, or the charming little smile she did when she was trying to get her way, or the smile she saved just for Toni- a grin so big it made the dimple in her chin pop out. 

Toni had just seen that smile earlier that day, when the two of them had been in their small apartment kitchen making a complete mess of themselves and the countertops in their attempt to make homemade pancakes after Toni had admitted that she’d never had anything other than the box mix. Toni had made a joke, something she didn’t even remember now, but Shelby had laughed and looked at her with those shiny, green eyes, and she smiled that wide, toothy grin that was reserved just for Toni. And what Toni hadn’t known was that that would be the last time she’d see that smile because once Shelby would return from Texas, it would be all fake pageant grins and blank stares. So if Toni would have known, she would have taken a picture or at least looked at her a little longer, but instead she kissed it right off her face. And later that day, the phone call came and just a few days later Shelby was on a one way flight to Fort Travis, Texas. 

“It’s just for a few weeks, until he…passes,” Shelby had said, “My mama said the doctors told him he had maybe a month, two at the most.” Toni nodded, unsure of what to do or say. She didn’t know how to comfort someone who was about to be grieving the loss of her father for the second time.  
“Call me when you land?” Toni asked, searching Shelby’s face for something, anything that could be a sign to how she was really feeling.  
Shelby looked up at her as they stood right outside airport security, her eyes were glassy as she reached out to grip Toni’s hand. “I will,” she said. And for a moment Toni thought that would be it, that Shelby would turn around and walk away, and Toni would walk back to her car and drive back to their apartment, spending her nights hoping and praying that Shelby would come back still somewhat resembling the Shelby she fell in love with. But instead she tightened her grip on Toni’s hand as they continued to lock eyes, and said, “I don’t know how I’m going to do this,” as tears slowly started spilling onto her cheeks. Toni let out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding, pulling Shelby into a tight hug, whispering “Oh baby, I’m so sorry,” into her ear, as the blonde gripped the back of Toni’s sweater. She wasn’t full on crying, but Toni could feel the way Shelby’s body was shaking in her arms. In that moment Toni could feel her heart breaking in her chest, breaking for the girl in her arms who was about to board a plane back to a place that held so many haunting memories, only to create more haunting memories. 

“You don’t have to go,” Toni said when Shelby had pulled away, her grip still tight on Toni’s arms. Everything about her body language and the look on her face told Toni she wanted nothing more than to stay, but she said the opposite. “I have to, Toni. I’ll hate myself if I don’t.”  
“Let me go with you then,” Toni said, practically begging. “You can’t,” Shelby said. “Why?” Toni pressed, even though she knew exactly why. Shelby looked at her, sad and knowing, “You know why.”

Toni nodded, lips tight as she tried not to cry. She didn’t want to do this now, not in front of Shelby and sure as hell not in the middle of Minneapolis-St. Paul airport. “Okay,” she said, “Call me every day?” Shelby nodded, leaning down and giving Toni the softest, barely there kiss on her lips. “I love you,” she said, giving Toni’s arm a final squeeze before bending down and slinging her carry-on over her shoulder. “I love you too,” Toni said back, feeling nauseous and scared and like her relationship was ending even though it wasn’t. And what she never told anyone was how she went back to her car and sat in the airport parking lot crying into the steering wheel for the better part of an hour, feeling selfish for not wanting Shelby to go, and so goddamn sad that she had. 

Shelby was gone for four weeks. Her dad had held on for three, and she stayed another week to help her mom with the funeral. She had called Toni when she landed in Texas, and every day for the first three days, but then she switched to texting, claiming that everything was too hectic with family coming in from all over and having to help care for her dying father, except even the texts grew sparse until they were basically nonexistent. And Toni couldn’t really be mad, but she just wanted to be there for Shelby. If only she would let Toni in. Instead she was thousands of miles away, and Toni had no real way of knowing how she was actually doing. And the thing is, Toni would never really get to find out. 

Shelby wouldn’t tell her about the way her dad refused to look at her when she showed up at her childhood home, straight off a five hour flight. “Just give him some time,” her mother had said, “I know deep down that he wants you here, Shelbs.” 

She wouldn’t tell Toni how she felt when she went up to her childhood bedroom and found the evidence of her teen years and pageant wins packed away in boxes, like she had been the one who died. Or how she spent the following days helping her mother give sponge baths to a man that hated who she was. The truth of the matter was that Dave Goodkind didn’t want his lesbian daughter anywhere near him, but she was there anyway, giving him meds and sips of water, switching off with her mother and siblings to sit with him through the night, reading his favorite bible verses as he laid in the hospital bed in the middle of their living room, barely conscious and far too weak to tell her to leave him be. 

It had been around 11:30 at night, everyone had gone to bed and Shelby had told her mother she would sit with him that night. He was sleeping when she took a seat in the chair by his bed, his breathing raspy and uneven. The man had lost a significant amount of weight, and he had looked small in the hospital bed, a far cry from the strong authority figure Shelby had once feared. She had planned on picking up the bible that sat on the bedside table and reading a few of his favorite passages just like she had done for many nights, but that night was different. Dave had stirred awake after a few moments, icy blue eyes blinking up at his daughter. “Do you need anything, daddy?” Shelby asked. He shook his head, “Just sit with me, please.” And so she did. They sat like that in silence for a few minutes, neither of them saying anything until Shelby’s phone started ringing. She looked down and Toni’s face was on the screen smiling up at her, a simple red heart by her name. She looked at it for a moment, a soft smile played on her lips before she ultimately declined the call. Dave had been watching her though, had seen the woman’s face on her screen and how Shelby smiled a real, genuine smile for the first time in three weeks, but the minute she looked back up at her father the smile was gone, replaced with the same look of shame she had when he found out about her and Becca all those years ago. 

She wouldn’t tell Toni about this part either, how Dave Goodkind, weak and dying of stage four pancreatic cancer, looked up at his daughter, reached out to grab her hand in both of his own and said, “There’s still time, Shelby. I know there’s not much time left for me here, but you can still fix this,” he looked up at her, blue eyes suddenly wide and desperate. “Daddy, I-“  
“No. Listen to me. The life you’re living right now is not going to get you into heaven, you hear me?” Shelby blinked down at him, stunned. She pulled her hand from his grip like she’d been burned. She thought of how her life had been all those years ago, how hard she tried to pretend she wasn’t anything but straight, how scared she was of anyone finding out, of her father finding out. She thought about Becca, the last words she said to her, finding out she was gone, not being allowed to go to the funeral. 

She thought of Toni. Her girlfriend, her person. Toni was the one person Shelby felt like she could be herself around, like she didn’t have to pretend to be anyone else, only the real, authentic Shelby. The Shelby that drooled when she slept and watched Hallmark Christmas movies all year round, the Shelby who sang in the shower. She thought of Toni waiting for her back in Minnesota, calling her everyday even though Shelby had stopped picking up. 

Suddenly, Shelby hated her father almost more than she hated herself. And for just a second she let herself forget that his words weren’t worth a response, that she had made it so far without fighting back, that he was dying and it just wasn’t worth it. Except it was. She clenched her jaw real tight, anger and sadness and frustration hitting her in waves one after the other. She didn’t recognize her own voice when she spoke, “If anyone should be worried about whether or not they’re making it to heaven, it’s you daddy,” she said, watching as her father’s mouth opened and his eyes widened. 

She was gone before he could say anything though, her legs carrying her out the front door and onto to the front lawn where she stopped, hands on her knees and breathing heavy. The Texas air was unusually cold for early April, but it felt good blowing against Shelby’s hot skin. Her heart was pounding as she pulled out her phone and shakily dialed Toni’s number. The girl answered in two rings. Toni’s deep voice filled her ears in no time. “Shelby,” she said, relief clear in her tone. Shelby didn’t say anything for a few seconds, just closed her eyes and relished in how good it felt to hear Toni’s voice. “Baby?” Toni said again. When Shelby went to speak she choked on the tears she didn’t even realize she was holding back, but she was so done holding everything back. Later, at the funeral, she would shut down again, and when she would return home she would be different. Her walls would be meticulously built back up, still protecting her from things she no longer had to fear. But right now, she just wanted to cry, so that’s what she did. A sob broke out from the back of her throat when she said, “I just miss you,” collapsing down onto her knees in the soft grass below her as sob after sob ripped its way out from her chest. 

“I miss you, too. So fucking much,” Toni said, breathing deep and slow into the phone as she listened to Shelby cry on the other end. They sat like that for hours, as Shelby cried and Toni listened, and even after the crying stopped they still just listened to each other breathe until Shelby finally said she should probably hang up, that she should probably go check on her dad. 

She opened the front door carefully and when she peaked into the living room, she saw her mother sitting by her father’s side, a cup of tea in her hand as she wrapped her robe tightly around herself. “Mama I-“ Shelby started. JoBeth stopped her, shaking her head with a small, sympathetic smile on her lips, “It’s okay, just go get some rest.” Shelby nodded, turning on her heels and making her way up the stairs. She had fallen asleep easily that night, too exhausted to think about what would come next. 

Dave Goodkind died six days later. His wife and children had known it was coming. His health had been on a fast decline the past few days, and he had been in and out of consciousness most of the day, his breathing slow and ragged. They were all there when he took his last breath, JoBeth sitting at his side, gripping his frail hand in her own, Spencer and Melody standing behind her. Shelby was standing in the corner of the living room, watching her family from afar like she wasn’t one of them, and part of her knew deep down that she never really had been. 

The moment it happened, Shelby barely caught it. One second he breathed in, and then out, and then he just didn’t breathe in again. She didn’t reach out for her mother or her siblings, she didn’t scream, and she didn’t cry. She just stood and watched as her family looked down on her father’s lifeless body, tears flowing down their cheeks, grief and sadness clear on their faces. Shelby didn’t feel those things though, she didn’t feel anything. After a few minutes, she walked over to her mother and placed a kiss on the side of her head, hugged each of her siblings one time, and walked right out the front door. She sent Toni one text. He’s gone, before she got into her car and drove straight to Becca’s grave, a place she had yet to visit even all these years later. She found her grave, adorned with springtime flowers, and sat down on her knees in front of it, traced her fingers over the words Rebecca Gilroy, Beloved daughter, sister, friend. 

That night Shelby told Becca everything. She told her how sorry she was, how much she loved her, how even though her father had just passed, all she could feel was relief. She spent hours there while her phone rang and rang back in the car, missed calls from Toni mostly, but also her mother, and a couple texts from Melody. 

Shelby went back to her childhood home like nothing even happened. Her father was buried three days later and she was on a plane back to Minnesota two days after that. The funeral was pretty large, family and friends coming in from all over, and between all the hugging and hand shaking and comforting her mother and her younger brother and sister, Shelby didn’t have time to feel. She didn’t really want to. 

When Shelby finally returned, Toni pulled her into a tight hug much like the way she had when Shelby had left four weeks prior, except she didn’t soften into Toni’s arms like she usually did, or nuzzle her face in the side of Toni’s neck. When she pulled back, Toni had looked at her, asking “What do you need from me?” Shelby had taken a big breath, her eyes meeting Toni’s for the first time, “I just need some space. I’m not quite ready to talk about it yet.” Toni forced down everything in her that was screaming at her to push, to ask questions, to comfort. And Toni would kick herself later for not doing so because what came next was a thunderstorm of events that ultimately lead to Shelby walking out the door for good ten months later. 

…

Shelby sighed, closing her eyes for a long moment before opening them and looking back out towards the water. “I don’t want to fight with you, Toni,” she said. 

“Then don’t,” she said simply, “Just talk to me. Tell me why the hell this all went to shit.”

Shelby looked at her, “It’s not that simple.”

“Okay…well how about you start with whatever the fuck went down in Texas because I always knew it was a lot more than your dad dying,” Toni said, her tone softer now. 

Shelby shook her head, “I can’t,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. 

Toni rolled her eyes, getting up quickly and brushing the sand from her pants. “Well then I guess we aren’t okay,” she said, ignoring the way Shelby called her name as she walked away. 

The next day was paddle boarding lessons as a group and Toni was once again dreading it, not just because she had shit balance, but also because she’d have to see Shelby. It was just so unbelievably frustrating to her that she could never seem to get away from her. Even when Shelby was all the way in Ethiopia for six goddamn months, Toni spent most of her time crying and looking at old photos of the two of them together like a sad, lovesick loser. Even now, a year later, when Toni thought she was finally starting to get over it, she was forced to spend ten days in very close proximity with her, doing cheesy ass group activities thinking about how much better this would all be if they were still together. Pathetic. 

To top it all off, Fatin had still not let up about the whole getting laid thing, and she spent almost the entirety of their paddle boarding lesson trying to set Toni up with the instructor. And yeah, she was hot, a tall brunette with tan skin and legs for fucking days, but she wasn’t Shelby. And as much as it pissed Toni off, she wasn’t ready to sleep with someone who wasn’t Shelby. Toni always thought that after six years she would get tired of sleeping with the same person, but that never happened with Shelby. It was always fun and exciting and it just never got old. Maybe it was because they were in love or because Shelby was really good in bed, or maybe it was both, but Toni missed it. Like really missed it. Fatin wasn’t giving up though. 

“Hey Karlie! Do you think you could check Toni’s form? I don’t think she’s standing right,” Fatin yells, getting the attention of their instructor. She turns to Toni, wiggling her eyebrows. “What the hell are you playin at?” Toni asks. “Just helpin a girl out,” Fatin says, winking. “Well I don’t need your help,” Toni argues. Fatin squints her eyes, tilting her head to side, thinking, “Mmm, I think you do,” she says, and as the instructor paddles closer, “The least you could do is make Shelby jealous,” she says, and Toni follows her gaze over to Shelby, who’s standing by Martha, scowling intently at the back of the instructor’s head, clearly not listening to a word of whatever Martha is rambling on about. Toni can see the way she’s gripping her paddle, jealousy was the one emotion Shelby could never hide. Toni considers it for a moment and decides she’s still pissed off enough about their conversation yesterday to fuck with her. 

Karlie, their instructor, makes it over to Toni and smiles at her, eager to guide Toni’s legs into the right position, her hand grazing the back of Toni’s calf. Toni stays near her the rest of the session, really turning up the charm. Toni laughs obnoxiously loud at the girl’s jokes, flashing her big smiles any chance she gets. She ignores the scowls she gets from Shelby and the weird glances she gets from the rest of the girls, minus Fatin of course. At one point, Shelby’s face is so red Toni swears her head is going to explode. And at the end of the session, when they’re all back on land, Toni makes a joke about her legs feeling like jello, going to grab Karlie’s arm “for support” and intentionally grazing her hand along the girl’s lower back when she knows Shelby is looking. She gets her number as they’re all going to leave, and maybe she’ll meet her for drinks or maybe she won’t, but she can’t help but revel in the feeling she gets from pissing Shelby off, proving to herself that she’s not the only one struggling here. 

Toni makes plans afterwards to meet Dot and Martha for dinner, and as she turns to go back to her room to change out of her swimsuit there’s a perfectly manicured hand on the back of her arm, pulling her around to face the other way. “What the hell was that?” Shelby asks before Toni can say anything. Her face is flushed, green eyes wide and frantic. She’s still in her hot pink bikini, except she has on a pair of white denim shorts. Toni looks her up and down before she can stop herself, realizing just how close Shelby is. She’s so close that Toni can see the small patch of freckles that are scattered across her nose and cheekbones, and the beads of sweat dripping down the side of her neck and front of her chest from a long day in the sun, and she smells like coconut scented sunscreen. It’s intoxicating. 

They stare at each other for a moment, as Toni notices the way Shelby’s chest rises and falls with each breath. She thinks about how easy it would be to lift up on her toes and press her lips to Shelby’s, lace her fingers in the hairs at the nape of her neck, trail her lips across her jaw and down her neck, tasting salty sweat on her skin. No. Toni rips her arm from Shelby’s grasp, startling her slightly, “What the hell are you talking about?” Toni bites back. Shelby looks at her, her eyes falling from her eyes to glance briefly down at Toni’s lips. “Your little stunt earlier, what was that about?” she asks, stepping back slightly and crossing her arms over her chest. 

Toni smirks, “Oh, Karlie?” Shelby rolls her eyes at the mention of the girl’s name. “Jealous much?” Toni says with a satisfied smile. Shelby scoffs, “Not in the slightest.” Toni laughs at that because obviously that’s a lie. “Oh, okay. So you wouldn’t care if we went out?” Shelby shakes her head despite the look of pure jealousy on her face. Toni steps closer towards her, “You wouldn’t care if I let her kiss me?” Shelby visibly clenches her jaw, but still shakes her head no. Toni is dying for a reaction. She steps closer again, practically pressed against Shelby’s front now, causing her to drop her arms at her side. She leans up to whisper in Shelby’s ear, “What if I let her fuck me?” Toni says, feeling the way Shelby’s body immediately tenses, and she pushes Toni away from her, causing her to stumble back a couple feet. Shelby’s fists are clenched at her side, and when she looks up at Toni, she thinks her eyes look a little glassy. “Do whatever the fuck you want, Toni. You always do,” Shelby spits out before turning on her heels, leaving Toni stunned in the middle of the hotel lobby. Toni so desperately wanted a reaction from Shelby, and that what she got. It didn’t feel as satisfying as she thought it would though. If anything she missed the way Shelby had just been pressed up against her, and the way her hot breath hit the side of Toni’s face when she leaned up to whisper in Shelby’s ear. 

God, what the fuck were they doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to give dave goodkind a redemption arc, but i thought this was more on brand. also, would anyone be interested in a mini chapter focusing strictly on leatin?? let me know!! thanks for reading :-)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this was very much unplanned, but since there's still a few more chapters of shoni angst I thought I'd give you guys some leatin smut.

“All I’m saying is that I think you need to stop meddling,” Leah says as she enters their hotel room, Fatin walking in behind her. “Oh, come on, dude! It’s hardly meddling,” Fatin says, immediately slipping off her flipflops, throwing herself onto the king size bed. She’s splayed out on her back, looking up at the ceiling when Leah stops at the foot of the bed, hands on her hips, sighing heavily. Fatin comes up onto her elbows, looking over at her fiancée who’s looking at her, eyebrows raised with an expectant look on her face. 

“What?” Fatin says, clearly missing something. “Did you just call me ‘dude’?” Leah questions.  
Fatin looks around the room, confused, “Uhh yeah, am I not allowed to do that?”  
Leah scoffs, “I’m your fiancée, not your dude,” she says, laughing incredulously. 

Fatin smiles, rolling her eyes playfully as she reaches out to grab at Leah’s arms until the girl is climbing onto the bed with her, moving to straddle Fatin’s hips. Her hands move instinctively up and down the tops of Leah’s thighs as she talks. “You’re my fiancée and my dude.”  
Leah shakes her head, smiling, “You’re ridiculous. But seriously, chill out on whatever it is you’re trying to do with Toni and Shelby, it’s really none of our business,” Leah says, reaching down and running her hands through Fatin’s windblown dark hair. 

“But there’s clearly something still there, don’t you think? Toni just has too much pride to admit anything and Shelby…well Shelby is just complicated, but they just need a little bit of a push,” Fatin argues. 

Leah sits back a little, biting her lip. “I think something a lot deeper is going on with them. I think Shelby has a lot of unresolved trauma that’s inhibiting her from being completely transparent with Toni, and that she’s spent so long suppressing it all. Her having to go back to Texas and her dad dying just kind of forced everything to the surface causing her to revert back to old coping mechanisms, one of them being her just pushing everyone away. It’s not right, I know, and I feel for Toni, but it’s all Shelby knows how to do. And Toni is just so numb to people leaving that she probably didn’t have the energy to try and stop her,” Leah rambles, not noticing the way Fatin is now staring up at her, mouth wide open. 

Leah looks down, “What?” she asks. Fatin laughs, “So it’s none of our business, yet you totally just therapized their entire relationship.” Leah blushes and tries to backtrack, but fails. “No that’s not what I- okay yeah I kind of did,” she says, causing Fatin to laugh even more beneath her. “But I can’t help it!” she argues, “They’re just so interesting.”

“This is what I’ve been saying!” Fatin says, throwing her hands up excitedly. Leah leans down again, putting her hands on Fatin’s chest. They’re much closer now, their mouths just barely touching. “But,” Leah starts, “That doesn’t mean you should meddle. This trip should be an opportunity for them to evolve their relationship, start to pick up the pieces, decide what they really want. Not for them to sleep with each other out of frustration and jealousy, that wouldn’t be creating a good foundation for a healthy relationship.”  
“Not gonna lie, it’s kind of hot when you use your therapy language,” Fatin says, pulling Leah in for a slow, languid kiss. Leah rolls her eyes when they pull away, “Seriously?” she says, tensing a little as Fatin’s hands move back down to her thighs, slowly moving up to her hips, touching the exposed skin of her sides, moving higher and higher. Her palms just barely ghost over her chest. Leah grinds down against Fatin’s hips, the thin material of her swimsuit the only thing separating their bodies. 

“Seriously,” Fatin answers, her eyes dark with arousal as her thumbs put a little more pressure on Leah’s hardening nipples. Leah closes the small amount of space between them, kissing her roughly, their conversation about their friends long forgotten as pure want and arousal takes over. Her hands pull up at the bottom of Fatin’s white bikini top, pulling it hastily over her head and immediately moving down to mouth at her chest. Fatin moans unabashedly, gripping Leah’s brown hair and arching up slightly against her lips. 

Leah slows down, taking her time sucking and kissing at Fatin’s chest, fingernails scratching lightly along her sides. She moves down Fatin’s body, placing light kisses all over her abdomen and down her thighs, intentionally skipping over where she knows Fatin wants her most. She runs her tongue along the top of Fatin’s bikini bottoms, smirking when the girl moves her hips up against Leah’s mouth. Leah moves to press her hips back against the mattress and Fatin groans impatiently. Normally, Leah would keep teasing her by continuing to place slow, open mouthed kisses on the inside of her thighs, letting her hot breath ghost over the place in between Fatin’s legs, until the girl is panting beneath her, begging Leah to touch her. She decides against the teasing this time, looping her fingers through the waistband of Fatin’s bikini bottoms and pulling them down her legs, tossing them aside and positioning herself between Fatin’s tanned thighs. Leah spreads them wider as she leans forward to press her tongue against her, licking slowly up and down, barely applying any pressure. 

Fatin’s head falls back against the mattress, her eyes falling closed as a soft moan escapes from her lips. Leah’s tongue moves lower, dipping down and sinking into the wet heat. She moves slow and deep inside of her, listening to the way Fatin’s breath hitches in the back of her throat as she grips the sheets next to her. They don’t talk because they don’t have to, being together for so long that they each know what the other needs. 

Two fingers replace Leah’s tongue as she moves her mouth back up to suck gently at her clit. She can feel that Fatin is close in the way that her hips are bucking up against her mouth and a series of low moans and whines are leaving her lips one after the other. Leah’s fingers slow and curl in just the right way as she uses her other hand to lace her fingers with Fatin’s, moving her mouth away so she can lean back a little and look at her. 

Leah’s always thought she was gorgeous, but more so during moments like this one, where little pieces of her black hair stick to the side of her face with sweat, cheeks flushed, and lips swollen and red as she moans and gasps, completely unashamed. 

“Look at me,” Leah says, voice a little rough from not being used. And that’s what does it for Fatin. She opens her eyes at Leah’s command, looking down at her between her legs. Leah’s still moving her fingers inside of her, hitting that spot every time, and her cheeks are bright pink, her mouth and chin shiny from Fatin’s wetness, but her eyes are always what really pushes Fatin over the edge. They’re so blue and vivid, and Fatin can always see every emotion Leah is feeling through her eyes. Right now she sees love, and trust, and attraction, but she also sees how they darken slightly, how her pupils grow with want and arousal. 

Fatin tightens around Leah’s fingers, her hand gripping Leah’s as her toes curl and her back arches off the bed. Leah’s fingers keep moving as she rides out her orgasm, kissing up her body, and only removing her fingers so she can bring her hand up to hold the side of Fatin’s face, pulling her in for a lazy kiss, letting her taste herself on Leah’s tongue. 

Leah pulls away after a few moments, Fatin breathing heavy underneath her. “Listen,” Fatin says between breaths, “I don’t think I can move, so you’re gonna have to sit on my face.” And Leah laughs, though it quickly fades into a moan as Fatin reaches behind her to palm at her ass, guiding Leah’s swimsuit bottoms down her legs without a second thought. Leah has to move off of her in order to remove them from around her ankles, but Fatin’s quickly pulling her back on top of her again, so that her face is between Leah’s thighs, moans muffled as Leah sinks down onto her tongue.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s day three and Fatin decides to rent a boat. Actually, not a boat, more like a small yacht. Toni doesn’t even want to know what it’s costing her, but Fatin insists they all spend the day on the water, promising Toni that this is the last _planned_ group activity, outside of the bachelorette parties of course.

“What’s your deal? Ready for some alone time?” Fatin teases, wiggling her eyebrows at Toni. They were currently at the dock waiting for the rest of the girls to show up. Toni was regretting being on time for once, with Leah running off to grab her forgotten sunglasses from their hotel room, leaving Toni to be subjected to Fatin’s harassment. “Whatever, Fatin,” Toni says, pulling out her phone to text Martha to tell her to hurry the hell up.

“Did you go out with that instructor last night?” Fatin presses. Toni barely glances up at her, “No, I didn’t. Too tired from all the group activities,” she says dryly. Fatin laughs, “Yeah okay, we get it. Toni Shalifoe hates planned activities!” “Only when my ex-girlfriend has to tag along,” she amends. “Ugh,” Fatin groans dramatically, “Why don’t you guys just hate fuck already and get it over with?” she says, pausing, “Or actually don’t do that. Leah said it could fuck with the foundation of your relationship or some shit like that. I don’t know, she went down on me right after so the orgasm kind of wiped away my memory,” she says.

This makes Toni finally look up at her with eyes wide, “Wait, let me get this straight, you guys psychoanalyzed our relationship, which there isn’t a relationship to begin with, and then fucked so hard you can’t even remember the conversation?” Fatin purses her lips together, thinking, “Yep! Pretty much,” she says. Toni laughs, shaking her head in disbelief. Leah’s walking back towards them now though, so Toni can’t actually say anything back.

“What’d I miss?,” she says, looking between the two of them, the recovered sunglasses perched atop her head. “Nothing,” Toni says, “Your fiancée is very shy, barely spoke a word.” Leah grins, “Yep, that’s my girl,” she says, grabbing Fatin’s hand and leaning down to kiss the side of her head, Fatin immediately getting this soft, fond look on her face that Toni always teases her about.

Martha walks over with Nora and Rachel a few seconds later and Toni is grateful for the interruption. The conversation shifts away from her quickly, and when she turns to look back towards the resort, she can see Shelby and Dot making their way over too. Toni’s heart beats a little faster when she sees her. Shelby’s wearing a yellow one-piece this time with a thin, white sundress over it, her blonde hair is in a ponytail, and her eyes are covered by a pair of sunglasses. Toni can feel herself getting a little nervous as Shelby gets closer, not quite sure where they stand because of their intense confrontation yesterday.

Toni’s getting pretty sick of it really. They avoid each other, then they fight, and the cycle repeats itself. She just wants to be able to coexist with Shelby for the next eight days, and then she never has to think about her again, though she knows damn well that’s not true. She’ll probably be thinking of Shelby the minute she boards her plane back to Minnesota. Toni watches as Shelby walks over, glancing briefly at Toni before she refocuses on the rest of the group.

They board the yacht and Toni is in awe at how nice it is. The main deck is huge, with plenty of room cushioned benches and a small bar, and there’s an upper deck, with more seating, and a lower deck with a bathroom, a bedroom, and a kitchen. It comes with a captain and a small crew of people who are apparently just here to serve food and drinks.

“Fatin, what the hell?” Dot exclaims, “This is nice as shit!” Fatin laughs, “Yeah well, only the best for my girls, I’m a goods provider after all,” she winks.

“Do you think we might see some dolphins?” Martha asks, the veterinarian in her suddenly getting very excited. “It’s possible, but I’m not getting in the water with those things, their tiny teeth scare me,” Fatin says, grimacing. “Oh poor, baby,” Leah mocks, pressing a chaste kiss to Fatin’s cheek that she dramatically wipes away.

They all get settled as the yacht leaves the dock. Shelby settles up front and Toni hangs towards the back with Dot and Martha. The brides-to-be go up top, and while Nora and Rachel are near the front too, Shelby is sitting away from them. Her back is facing away from Toni and the rest of the girls, so she lets herself look at Shelby for a moment. She’s sitting with her legs tucked under her, and she’s got her chin tucked into her hands. Her face is makeup free and she looks younger, but her eyes are tired as she looks out at the water. Toni wonders if she’s still working the night shift at the hospital or if she’s still doing that theater group at the community center. Toni really wishes they could just have a normal conversation without one of them, mainly Toni, getting angry and storming off. 

Dot leans over, nudging at Toni’s shoulder. She looks at her knowingly and Toni feels like she’s been caught. “I know it’s really none of my business, but for what it’s worth I think you should just try talking to her,” she says. Toni sighs sadly, “We’ve tried that, it ends in a fight every time.” “Okay, but this time could be different. You’re both sober, and there’s no hot paddle board instructors around,” Dot says, shrugging her shoulders. Toni looks over at Martha sitting on the other side of her and she raises her eyebrows and nudges her knee against Toni’s in a silent message telling her she thinks she should go talk to Shelby too.

Toni glances up at the sky, taking a deep breath and standing up. She walks a couple feet towards the front of the boat before turning back around to face Dot and Martha. She points a finger at the two of them, looking pointedly at Dot, “If it’s looking like it’s about to be a screaming match you better come separate us,” she says, only half joking. Dot laughs anyway, “Scouts honor,” she says, hastily throwing up a three finger salute. Toni rolls her eyes before turning back away from them, continuing her walk up towards Shelby.

Toni stands awkwardly behind her for a moment, fumbling nervously with the hem of her swim trunks. “Hey,” she says finally. The blonde turns around to face her, a look of surprise clear on her face, but she doesn’t seem upset at Toni’s presence.

“Hi,” Shelby says, a small smile on her lips, moving over to give Toni a spot to sit down. She sits, but doesn’t say anything, just watches as Shelby turns back towards the water, green eyes wide as she takes in the scenery around them. The water is the bluest water Toni has ever seen and they’re surrounded by landscapes filled with trees and mountains. It’s pretty, sure, but Toni’s eyes keep looking back at Shelby, unable to focus on the view around her because there’s someone much more breathtaking right in front of her.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Shelby says, turning her head back towards Toni. Toni averts her eyes back to the water, hoping Shelby didn’t notice the way she was so blatantly staring. When they were together, Shelby would tease her all the time about how obvious she always was, but now Toni thinks it’s probably a little creepy to be ogling her ex-girlfriend. “Yeah,” she breathes, letting her eyes fall back onto Shelby for a split second.

“Did you need something?” Shelby asks, not unkindly, and Toni remembers suddenly that she came over to talk. She knows Martha and Dot are watching her right now. “No, I mean, not really. I just wanted to apologize for yesterday, I was kind of a dick to you,” Toni says, and Shelby smiles a little. “Okay, well then I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t of cornered you like that,” Shelby says. And Toni’s saying it before she can stop herself, “I didn’t go out with her, she’s not even really my, I mean, I just did all that shit yesterday because,” and Shelby cuts her off, “Toni, it’s okay. It’s not any of my business.” For some reason that makes Toni’s chest feel a little tight because Shelby’s right, it’s none of her business, yet Toni kind of wishes it was.

“I know, it’s just,” and Toni stops because there’s so many ways she’d like to finish that sentence, none of them being appropriate for their current situation. Instead she lets out a small sigh and says, “I guess I thought maybe we could be friends?”

Shelby’s eyes go a little wide, “You want to be friends?” she asks, surprise clear in her tone. Toni bites her lip, contemplating, “I mean, there’s stuff I would really like to talk about,” she says, and Shelby averts her eyes, looking nervous and a little guilty, “But,” Toni continues, “I don’t think here, on this trip, is the best place to do that. And since we can’t really avoid each other…” she trails off.

Shelby looks up at her again, a teasing smile on her lips, “You want to play it cool for the next eight days and then we go off on each other the minute we’re back in Minnesota?” she asks, playfully.

Toni laughs, rolling her eyes, “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying we take our issues and table them for now, and then talk once we’re back. I mean, if that’s okay with you, obviously. I know we’re broken up so it’s not like you owe me an explanation-“ Shelby places her hand on top of Toni’s, momentarily cutting off Toni’s rambling. Her green eyes look up at her with a mixture of guilt and sadness. “I do though,” Shelby says softly, “Owe you an explanation, that is. What I did…leaving like that, it wasn’t fair to you, Toni.” Toni looks down at Shelby’s hand on her lap, her heart sinking a little when Shelby moves it away. “Like I said, why don’t we table it for now and just be friends?” Toni says again, and Shelby nods, still looking guilty and a little upset. This wasn’t Toni’s intention, she’s so tired of feeling bad for herself, and honestly she doesn’t want Shelby to feel bad either. So, to lighten the mood she says, “So do friends go cliff jumping together?” she says, wiggling her eyebrows playfully, looking over at the cliffs to their right. The yacht is slowing down now and Toni assumes this is probably where they were going to anchor.

Shelby looks at her, the sad look on her face slowly vanishing as it’s replaced with surprise and amusement. “You hate heights,” she says, very matter of fact. Toni looks back at her, a look on her face that says “And why would that matter?”

“Maybe I’ve gotten over it, ya never know,” Toni says, shrugging. And Shelby giggles, she fucking _giggles_ and Toni blushes for some stupid reason. “Riiiiight,” Shelby says, still smiling, “So your fear of heights just up and vanished?” she asks. “Maybe,” Toni says, “So what do you say?” “Oh I’m _definitely_ seizing this opportunity,” Shelby says, like it’s obvious. The yacht is basically stopped now and all the girls are starting to get up. “Let’s go bitches!” Fatin yells from up top, causing Shelby to look away from Toni. “Drink up because I paid extra for the alcohol!”

The two person crew starts coming around taking orders, and Shelby orders some fruity concoction Toni would normally make fun of her for, but instead she just orders the same. Shelby looks at, eyebrows raised, “You never order fruity shit like that,” she says, and Toni shrugs her shoulders. “I guess I’m just feelin’ it today,” she says, and Fatin comes up behind her, gripping her shoulders with her perfectly manicured hands. “As much as I hate to break up this heart to heart, Toni owes me a shot,” she says, and Toni doesn’t remember _owing_ her anything, but she lets Fatin grab her arm and drag her over to the small bar anyway. Fatin’s shoving a tequila shot into her hand before she can even say anything.

She downs it quick, the subtle burn of the alcohol traveling down her throat. “What the hell was this about?” she questions once the alcohol has been swallowed. Fatin shrugs, “Just wanted to check in, the vibes coming from you two are a lot different than yesterday.” Toni looks back at Shelby, who’s now talking to Rachel and Nora. Shelby sees her and smiles, Toni can feel her face warm up, and she knows Fatin is watching the whole thing. “Okay, what the fuck?” Fatin says, when Toni still doesn’t answer her. “We’re friends,” Toni says easily, “We agreed to hash shit out back in Minnesota, but here, in Hawaii, we’re going to be friends.”

Fatin’s still looking back and forth between Toni and Shelby, “And it’s that easy?” she asks, clearly skeptical. Toni looks up at her now, biting her lip, “Not exactly, but I’m going to try.” Fatin looks like she wants to say something, but instead she just turns around and orders two more tequila shots. She hands one to Toni, and they clink their shot glasses together, “Well cheers to trying!” Fatin says, downing her shot in one quick motion. She grads ahold of Toni’s elbow, looks right into her eyes and says much quieter, “I’m proud of you,” and she gives Toni a reassuring smile before she’s turning away to go find Leah. And Toni’s not standing alone for long because just a few moments later, Martha is pulling her back over to the group.

The crews coming back around with drinks, handing Toni some pink coxtail that’s probably more sugar than alcohol, but Shelby’s smiling at her over the rim of her glass and Toni can feel the heaviness in her stomach slowly dissipating as her friends talk and laugh around her. It might be day three of the trip, but Toni is finally feeling like she can have fun.

…

“What was your childhood like?” Shelby asks, and she notices how Toni immediately tenses up. They’ve been officially together for a couple months now, and even though they’ve been friends for a couple years, the topic has never really come up. Shelby wants to know everything about Toni though, what it was like growing up in Minnesota, why she practically had to move in with Martha towards the end of high school. She wants to know about her favorite teacher in elementary school and about her first love and her first heartbreak. Shelby wants to know everything, the good and the bad, and the ugly.

But right now, she sees how Toni tenses next to her. It’s late and they’re on campus, laying down on an old, worn blanket that Shelby’s had in the trunk of car for ages. There’s a Wendy’s bag discarded next to them filled with empty frosty cups and half an order of cold, soggy fries. Shelby regrets asking the question. She doesn’t do well with silence, but she thinks they would have been better off how they were before, laying in the quiet side by side, looking up at the night sky. They had just spent the better part of an hour laying here, Toni naming off random constellations every now and then, her head resting gently on Shelby’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Shelby whispers, “I didn’t mean to upset you.” Toni’s pointer finger starts moving circles on the back of Shelby’s hand. “It’s okay,” she says, “It’s just not some happy go lucky story that you’re probably expecting.” “It doesn’t have to be,” Shelby says, her voice still barely above a whisper, “Doesn’t mean I still wouldn’t want to hear it…that is if you want to tell me.”

She feels Toni take a deep breath beside her, but the girl doesn’t move from her spot against Shelby’s shoulder, instead she starts talking softly, so softly that Shelby probably wouldn’t have been able to hear her if not for the fact that Toni’s mouth was right by her ear.

“I’ve never met my dad,” she starts, “It was just me and my mom pretty much from day one. I remember my grandma being around for a bit when I was little, but she passed away before I started school. I think I was around nine or ten when things got real bad though. My mom, she lost her job, didn’t really bother finding a new one. And then she started drinking and the drugs came along shortly after, like what else would she do with her time, ya know? For a while it was pretty manageable though. She would at least wait until I was asleep before she’d have people over and they’d do god knows what in the living room. And I’d wake up the next morning, get myself ready for the third fucking grade, and be on my way. She’d be passed out when I leave, but like totally fine when I got back and then the cycle would repeat,” Toni stops, laughing humorlessly, “And I thought it couldn’t really get any worse.”

Her hand is gripping Shelby’s now, and her breathing is a little unsteady. “You don’t have to keep going, Toni. You don’t owe me an explanation,” Shelby says. “It’s fine. We’re just getting to the good part,” she says, a shitty attempt at a joke that makes Shelby’s heart tighten in her chest. She doesn’t really know what to say, so she leans down and presses a kiss to Toni’s forehead, and the girl continues.

“I don’t really remember how it got so bad, but one time she was gone for three days. She left an eleven year old home alone for seventy two fucking hours, and when she did finally come back, she was so strung out she could barely walk. I was eleven years old turning my passed out mother onto her side so she didn’t choke to death on her own vomit. But then her skin was cold and she wasn’t breathing and I was trying to-“ Toni’s breath hitches in the back of her throat like her feelings are finally catching up to her, and Shelby’s wiping away tears she can barely see under the starlight, but she can feel them, warm and wet under the pads of her thumbs. “Baby,” Shelby whispers, trying so hard not to cry herself.

“I was trying to wake her up, I was shaking her and pounding on her chest, but it wasn’t doing anything. I remember calling 911, but the rest of that night is a total blur. I was placed in an emergency foster home, and that’s how it was after that, just moving from one foster home to the next, while my mom’s moving in and out of rehab like it’s a fucking White Castle. I never lived with her after that. She had a few supervised visits, but I stopped going as I got older. I was so sick of hearing her empty promises, how she was going to get clean and get me out of the system. It was never going to happen.” Toni says. Her voice is filled with anger and frustration, but Shelby can still feel the tears that fall from her cheeks and land onto Shelby’s bare collarbone.

“If it weren’t for Martha and her family I would probably be dead or in jail,” Toni laughs, but Shelby can hear in her tone how much she really means that. “I was in a particularly rough foster home towards the end of freshman year, so I started spending a lot more time over at the Blackburn’s. Her parents, even though they already had Martha and her two little sisters, went to foster care classes three nights a week to become foster parents just so I could stay with them permanently. They didn’t even think twice, they just did it. The Blackburns are the only real family I’ve ever had. Everyone else ends up leaving,” Toni says, and Shelby turns to face her.

She can the shiny tears in Toni’s eyes and the way the summer breeze rustles the curls around her face. Shelby tucks a piece of Toni’s soft, brown hair behind her ear, letting her fingers trace down the curve of her jaw before she grasps the side of her cheek, pulling Toni in for a soft kiss. They kiss for a moment, their lips moving over each other in slow succession. The campus below them is quiet, the only sounds being the trees rustling in the wind around them and their lips moving together. Toni’s hand falls down to grip the side of Shelby’s hip, and Shelby’s leaning almost entirely on top of her now.

Their kisses stay slow and unhurried, and Shelby pulls away after a few more moments, letting her forehead fall against Toni’s. Toni’s breath warms the tip of her nose, and neither of them speak until Shelby grabs each side of Toni’s face, and even though it’s dark, Shelby hopes Toni can see the truth and conviction in her eyes when she says, “I’m not going anywhere.”

…

“Oh chill out, I’m not going anywhere,” Shelby laughs beside her, giving Toni’s hand a supportive squeeze. Toni’s had three of those pink cocktails and now she’s on top of a _very_ high cliff. So maybe they had more alcohol in them than she thought. They’re standing flush together, and Toni can feel the way the sides of their legs are pressing together. She knows Shelby is just as tipsy as she is, and she doesn’t know how the hell they even made it up here. She makes the mistake of looking down, leaning slightly over her toes. Toni’s stomach drops immediately. Yeah. That’ll sober a person up.

“What the fuck are we doing?” Toni laughs nervously. Shelby looks at her, smirking. “Uh, we’re about to jump off this cliff, what does it look like?” Toni bites the inside of her cheek, taking another peek at the water below. Shelby looks at her again, eyebrows pushed together, “Wait, you’re not chickening out on my, are you?”

“What? No, of course not,” Toni sputters, “I’m so ready to plunge to my death.” Shelby laughs, “Oh please, we’re not _that_ high up. It’ll be fun, and this was your idea anyway!”

Toni swallows, realizing that while yes, this was technically her idea, she’s regretting it a little now. And Shelby is so close, the closest she’s been to Toni in a whole year, and she’s got this goofy, drunk grin on her face that makes Toni’s knees feel weaker than they already are.

And then they jump.

She barely hears Shelby countdown, and the next thing she knows, they’re flying through the air. She can hear Shelby’s excited scream, and it’s contagious. They’re in the air for all of five seconds, and Shelby only lets go of Toni’s hand once they hit the water. Toni pops up onto the surface and Shelby’s in front of her, treading water and beaming at her. “That was exhilarating,” Shelby grins, and Toni can’t help but grin back, even though her hearts beating ten times as fast and she can hardly feel her legs moving in the water beneath her.

“Sooo fun,” Toni says, sarcasm dripping from her tone. Shelby rolls her eyes playfully, moving to splash water in Toni’s face. And they share a look, a teasing look in Shelby’s green eyes. There’s something else there too, that Toni can’t quite place, and she thinks maybe she’s hallucinating when Shelby’s eyes dart down to her lips for a split second.

“Hey losers!” someone yells, and they look up to see Rachel and Dot standing in the same spot Shelby and Toni just jumped from. “Move out of the way, we’re comin’ down!” Dot yells, giving them about two seconds before her and Rachel come jumping down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to start updating every weekend, I've got most of this planned out and I promise next chapter you all will finally see how things went sour with Toni and Shelby! as always, I appreciate all of the kudos and comments. thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know it's technically not the weekend, but i finished this early so here ya go!
> 
> cw: shit hitting the fan

On day four, Toni is glad to see the end of the planned activities because the only thing she _plans_ on doing is finding a secluded part of the beach and sitting her ass on a chair in the sand. She found a spot far enough away from the other resort guests, flagging down a waiter and ordering a Sex On The Beach, not because it was one of Shelby’s favorites, but because she liked the irony of it all. She told him to keep them coming. 

She slips her earbuds in, closing her eyes and letting herself relax. She’s halfway through her second cocktail when a tall figure appears above her, blocking the sunshine from where it was hitting her face. Toni flips her sunglasses to the top of her head, squinting her eyes up at who she now sees is Leah. 

“Hey,” Leah says, taking a seat on the empty chair next to Toni. “Hey,” Toni says back, “Where’s your wifey?” Leah grins, “I left her at our couples massage.” Toni laughs into her now almost empty drink, right as the waiter comes and delivers her another. Leah’s eyes move between the drink and Toni, “Having fun?” she teases. Toni downs what’s left of cocktail number two and moves to pick up the new one. “I’m having a blast. Why’d you ditch Fatin? Trouble in paradise?” Toni teases back. Leah chuckles, “No, I’m just not a fan of having a stranger's hands all over me. Fatin thought it would be romantic, but she fell asleep like five minutes in. I’ve got like fifteen minutes before she’s storming out of there looking for me.” 

“Well shit,” Toni says, “Better get you a drink.” And before Leah can protest, Toni’s calling the waiter back over, ordering her a strawberry daiquiri. “Well, now I know what Toni Shalifoe’s idea of a vacation is,” Leah says, settling back into the lounge chair. Toni rolls her eyes playfully, “Oh give me a break! It’s been a rough few months.” Leah smiles at her knowingly, “Martha didn’t want to hang with you today?” she questions. Toni takes another sip of her drink, looking away from Leah and instead focusing her eyes on the water in front of her. 

“Nah, Martha was doing something with Shelby today,” Toni says after a moment. She sees Leah nod out of the corner of her eye. “Does it ever both you? Her and Shelby still being friends?” Leah asks. Toni shrugs, “Not really, I mean, you guys are all still friends with her obviously, why would Martha be an exception?” 

“Well for starters she’s the only one who was friends with you first. She’s your _best friend_. I think if anyone would be allowed to choose a side, it would be her,” Leah says. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Toni agrees, “Martha’s just not like that. I don’t mind her staying in touch with Shelby. She knows not to bring her up to me. And as far as picking sides go, some of you certainly did not hold back,” she says, those three drinks giving her just enough liquid courage to be a little petty, not that she ever really needs it. 

Leah sighs next to her. “Toni, I wasn’t trying to pick sides. I guess from a therapist's perspective, Shelby just seemed more unstable. I knew you would have Martha, and that Dot and the twins would definitely not be taking sides. I was just trying to help.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to fight. Can we just not talk about it?” Toni asks. 

“Yeah, that’s on me, I shouldn’t have brought it up. For what it’s worth, Fatin was totally on your side though, our household was _very_ divided for a while there,” Leah jokes, and Toni finds herself cracking a smile because yeah, Fatin’s nothing if not loyal. 

“Assuming you’re still sober enough later on, would you want to go out with us? I think right now it’s just me and Fatin, and maybe Rachel. We were going to check out a club outside of the resort,” Leah says, changing the subject. Toni contemplates the offer before answering, “Yeah, okay. Sounds fun, and it’s still early enough in the day that I can probably get drunk now, eat some dinner to sober up, and then get back at it.” Toni’s joking of course…kind of. 

Leah laughs anyway, “Okay, just _how_ rough have the past few months been?” Toni takes a swig of her drink and nods towards Leah’s daiquiri that’s hardly been touched, “Catch up with me and I’ll fill you in,” Toni says, and Leah rolls her eyes, picking up her drink and making a show of taking a big swig. Toni is just tipsy enough that when Leah ultimately gets a brain freeze, it’s the funniest thing in the world. 

So they get a little (a lot) day drunk, and Toni tells Leah about work, and how depressing it’s been. She tells her about the cute girl who moved in down the hall, how she asked Toni out one day in the stairwell, and how Toni turned her down because she’s still hung up on her ex (except she doesn’t say that part out loud). She tells Leah about her mom calling her from rehab a little over a month ago, that she’s been clean for 18 months. And Toni knows she shouldn’t use her friend as a therapist (even if she actually is one), but drunk Toni doesn’t know that, so she’s spilling her guts out to Leah, poor, drunk Leah who’s looking at her like she’s a sick puppy. 

“She wants to see me, Lee, when she’s out of rehab. I haven’t seen her since I was fifteen, I’m pretty sure I told her to fuck off. I don’t even know what I would say to her now,” Toni slurs, taking another sip of her drink as she looks over at Leah. She knows how Leah gets when she’s drunk, she goes from being the smartest person in the room to not having a single thought in her head, so Toni’s a little surprised when she slurs back to her. “Toni, Toni, Toni,” Leah says, reaching out and grabbing Toni’s arm. “If seeing your mom would be damaging to you, I wouldn’t,” Leah pauses, hiccupping, “recommend it. It’s good that she’s getting clean, but her track record isn’t great. It’s okay to put yourself first,” she says, hiccupping again. Toni looks at her, mouth wide open, “How are you five daiquiris in and somehow still managing to therapize me?” she says. 

Leah laughs like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard. “Dude, I have no fucking idea,” she says. And they both laugh, and then Leah starts talking about how much trouble she’s going to be in with Fatin, and Toni makes a sex joke because of course she does, and Leah pinches her arm but laughs anyway. And that’s how Fatin finds them half an hour later, giggling like a couple of actual school girls. 

“Okay, what the fuck?” Fatin says, looking down at her fiancé and best friend, and the empty glasses surrounding them. 

“Fatin!” Leah exclaims, jumping up to greet her and almost immediately falling into Fatin’s arms. “Woah there, baby,” Fatin says, using all of her strength to hold Leah upright. Leah’s got her arms wrapped around Fatin’s neck, and she’s slurring words into her ear. “What the _hell_ did you give her, Shalifoe? I haven’t seen her like this since Martha’s 21st birthday,” Fatin says. Toni chuckles, “I guess there’s more alcohol in those things than we realized.” “Yeah, no shit,” Fatin laughs. 

“The world is spinning right now,” Leah says, gripping onto Fatin’s shirt. “Okay, that’s not good. Let’s get you back to the room. Please tell me you’re okay to get yourself back?” Fatin says, turning to Toni, and Toni nods unconvincingly, not helping her case when she goes to stand up and stumbles a bit in the sand. Fatin reaches an arm out to stable her before she goes falling. “Fatin, I’m good, I swear! See, could a drunk Toni do this?” Toni presses off of Fatin, twirling around in the sand, only almost falling once. 

Fatin looks at her, unimpressed. “Yeah, she could. But a _sober_ Toni wouldn’t be referring to herself in the third person,” and Fatin says this right as Toni goes to swirl around again, completely ignoring Fatin’s words and knocking into the small table next to the lounge chairs, sending their empty glasses into the sand. “Oh fuck me,” Fatin mumbles. Leah giggles next to her, “Okay,” she says brightly, leaning down to nibble at Fatin’s ear. “Uh yeah no, not in the state you’re in. I’d feel like a rapey frat bro,” Fatin grimaces, gently guiding Leah back down to sit on the lounge chair. “You sit down too, Shalifoe. I’m calling in reinforcements,” she says, pulling out her phone. Toni sits down and hears her phone go off. Fatin’s just sent a text in the group chat. 

_ Found Leah and Toni wasted on the beach, can someone come help get these idiots back to the hotel???  _

Her phone dings again, this time with a message from Shelby. 

_ I’m close by. Be right there!  _

Toni groans dramatically. “Oh just let her help!” Fatin says before Toni can even say anything. “There’s no way I’m getting you two back by myself.”

Shelby wasn’t kidding when she said she was close because it’s only a couple of minutes later before she’s there in front of Toni, slinging her arm around Toni’s waist without a word. “Thought you were with Martha,” Toni slurs, and she’s not sure why she sounds so bitter all of a sudden. If Shelby notices, she doesn’t say anything. “I was. We went to this cute little market in town, but she went back to her room to rest so I was just chilling a little ways down on the beach. If I would’ve known ya’ll were down here, I would’ve come cut you off like three drinks ago,” Shelby says, laughing at the way Toni goes to roll her eyes but ends up moving her entire head in the process. 

Toni wants to say something back, but her mind is swimming with so many drunken thoughts that she can’t seem to come up with anything, opting to stay quiet instead. She lets her head fall onto Shelby’s shoulder as she looks down at her feet, trying her best to walk in a straight line. It’s not working. 

The walk feels like it’s taking hours, and Toni’s suddenly hyperaware of how hot it is with the early afternoon sun beating down on them. She feels nauseous and clammy, but Shelby’s hold on her is strong and after a few more minutes, her face is hit with the cool air conditioning of the hotel lobby. 

She hears Shelby tell Fatin that she’ll make sure Toni gets to her room, and she hears Fatin say something like “No funny business, Goodkind!” but at this point, Toni could be hallucinating everything. She watches Fatin and Leah walk off in the direction of their room, and then she and Shelby are left alone. 

“What’s your room number?” Shelby asks, and Toni has to think for a second because she really can’t remember. “Uhh like four something?” she guesses. She feels Shelby sigh as her hands start fumbling in the pockets of Toni’s shorts, searching for her room key. “Who’s the rapey frat bro now?” Toni laughs hard at her own joke, knowing very well that Shelby was not there for that part of the conversation. Shelby just shakes her head and continues her search, pulling out Toni’s room key with the number 517 on it. So she was a little off. 

The elevator ride is short, Toni opting to lean against the wall for stability instead of clinging to Shelby, but the blonde is pulling her away from the wall soon enough, looping her arm back around Toni’s waist and guiding her down the hall. They enter the room and Toni collapses on top of the freshly made bed. 

“Hey,” Shelby says, nudging Toni’s bare leg, “Don’t you want to get out of your swimsuit?” Toni looks up at her, a sloppy smirk on her face when she says, “You would like that, wouldn’t you?” And yeah, she’s drunk enough to inappropriately flirt with her ex, but she’s also sober enough to notice the way Shelby’s face burns a bright red. 

“Fine, just sleep it off. I’ll check on you later, okay?” Shelby says, and Toni just hums in response, already feeling her eyes getting heavy. The last thing she remembers is the feeling of Shelby slipping off Toni’s shoes before leaving and the sound of the heavy hotel door closing behind her. 

…

A six year relationship doesn’t just end out of nowhere, Toni knows this. She also knows that leading up to the end of her and Shelby’s relationship, there were a lot of signs she chose to ignore. 

Toni spent a lot of time post-breakup trying to pinpoint the exact moment shit went south, but all she found was that it was hard to pick one specific moment. She knows it started with the passing of Shelby’s dad, but she also knows that that wasn’t the entire reason. 

Shelby came back from Texas a different person. The person Toni had known since she was eighteen was probably still there somewhere, Toni hoped, but it was clear that there had been layers upon layers of walls built up in the time that occurred between Dave Goodkind dying and Shelby returning to Minnesota. 

At first, Toni let her be, thinking that it was all Shelby’s way of coping with her dad’s death, but time went on and it started to seem apparent to Toni that Shelby had no plans of discussing her dad’s death. Toni would try, she would try and get Shelby to talk to her about what happened with her family, what happened to her growing up, or just anything deeper than “How was your day?” or “What sounds good for dinner?” but Shelby did everything she could to not talk about it. It was always “I’m fine, Toni” or “I just don’t want to get into it right now, Toni” or “I’m tired, Toni.” The conversation was as surface level as possible; they talked about work, they talked about their friends, but they _never_ talked about themselves. 

Shelby went back to work three days after she came back from Texas, getting back on the night shift even though she had always complained about how mentally and psychically draining it was. And Toni couldn’t help but think it was to avoid her, to avoid sleeping next to her. 

Their sex life was basically non-existent. Sex used to be something that happened often, something that was always filled with pleasure and intimacy. They would spend hours mapping out each other’s bodies with their mouths and hands, memorizing every freckle, tracing over all the curves and dips. 

The last time it happened was three months before they broke up, after a night out drinking for Fatin’s birthday. It had been the worst sex they had ever had, both of them so drunk they could hardly walk. Toni remembers how sloppy it was, as they fumbled with shirt buttons and belt buckles, but also how it was far too aggressive like they were subconsciously using this to express all of their frustrations with each other. Toni remembers Shelby’s nails digging painfully into her shoulder blades as they kissed, and Toni’s fingers pulling roughly at the blonde hair in between her legs. 

Neither of them went to bed satisfied that night, just drunk and miserable, holding onto a relationship that was turning to dust right in their hands. 

They fought all the time too, over the small things first, and then over the big things. Sometimes Toni, getting so tired of Shelby’s fake smiles and constant avoidance, would pick a fight just to get a reaction out of her, to see her _feel_ something, even if it was directed at Toni. 

And while it’s hard for Toni to pinpoint a specific time when it all started falling apart, she would always be able to remember the moment that it actually ended. 

“How does pizza sound for dinner?” Shelby asked, peeking her head out from behind their bedroom doorframe. It was the first time Toni had heard her voice in days, and while that would normally be a joyous occasion, instead it set something off inside of Toni. It had been months of ignoring their problems and ignoring each other, and Toni was so tired of holding onto something that was doing nothing but hurting her. 

Toni clenched her jaw tight, “What the fuck are we doing, Shelby?” Toni asked. Shelby looked at her, confused. “What do you mean? Ordering a pizza, I hope,” she said, laughing a little uncomfortably. “You know exactly what I mean,” Toni said, forcing herself to look at Shelby from across the room. “How much longer do you expect me to sit around while we ignore each other, picking petty fights with you just so you’ll fucking talk to me? I don’t know how much more I can handle. You’ve clearly got issues you’re suppressing right now and I want to help you, but I don’t know how. You haven’t been yourself since-“ “Don’t,” Shelby said, cutting her off, “Don’t even fucking bring that up right now.” Shelby’s uncomfortable demeanor changed. Her eyes were wide with anger as she stepped out from behind the doorframe, and Toni could see the way her fists were clenched at her sides. 

“Why?” Toni pressed on, “What are you going to do, Shelby? Change the subject? Ignore me? Walk out the door? Pick up more shifts at work so you don’t ever have to actually talk to me? Because you’ve done them all and I stick around, hoping, like a goddamn idiot, that one day you’ll just wake up and you’ll be you again. But it’s been six months and I’m running out of fucking hope,” Toni said, chest heaving as months of anger and frustration coursed through her body. 

“I don’t know what you want me to do, Toni,” Shelby said, throwing her hands up in frustration, “I have a career to think about and I get if you’re feeling like neglected or.” Now it’s Toni’s turn to interrupt. “Excuse me? _Neglected?_ ” Toni said incredulously. “This isn’t about me, Shelby. It’s about how your dad died and you refuse to talk about it. You came back acting like nothing was wrong and you _still_ act like nothing is wrong. You haven’t touched me in months. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in like what? Four days?” Toni said, her voice getting louder and angrier every second. 

Shelby’s eyes were glassy when she looked down, guilt washing over her face for a split second. And Toni noticed the way Shelby flinched when she moved from her spot on the couch to stand closer to her. “I don’t know what to do, Shelby. Please just tell me what you want me to do,” she added, her voice much softer than before. 

Toni reached out slowly, tentatively bringing her hand to rest against Shelby’s cheek. Her eyes fell closed at the contact as Toni wiped away a single tear before it had the chance to glide down Shelby’s face. Shelby inhaled a shaky breath before opening her eyes, and when she opened them again, Toni was looking at her like she just wanted to pull Shelby into her arms and never let go. Shelby didn’t give her the chance to. 

She pulled away abruptly and Toni’s hand fell back at her side. “There’s nothing you _can_ do,” Shelby said, taking a small step back. “You can’t bring him back and you can’t fix me,” she said, and Toni knew exactly what she meant. 

Toni’s eyebrows scrunched together in concern and she reached for Shelby again, out of habit, but the girls moved away from her touch. “Shelby I don’t want to fix you,” Toni said, her voice just above a whisper. “Because there’s nothing to fix. You’re hurting, and I can see that, but who you are has nothing to do with that. You know that, right?” And the look on Shelby’s face told Toni that, no, she really didn’t. 

Shelby’s never wanted to talk about her family much, but Toni knew enough to know that they had some pretty fucked up beliefs, but she really never considered that after all these years, Shelby could still be struggling with those beliefs too. 

“What if,” Shelby started, her voice cracking a bit as she ran her shaky hands through her hair, “What if this was all his way of showing me that the way I’m choosing to live my life,” And she paused, searching for the appropriate wording, “isn’t right,” she finished. 

Toni looked at her, confused, “Who are you talking about?” 

“God!” Shelby exclaims like it’s obvious, “My dad died, Toni. My siblings grew up without me, my mom’s alone, Becca killed herself because of _me._ All I’ve done is hurt people because of who I am,” she said as tears rushed down her face. Toni so badly wanted to reach out to her, but she hardly recognized the person in front of her. 

“That’s not true, Shelby. I know you know that it’s not true. What happened to Becca was _not_ your fault,” Toni said. 

And she just wanted to do something, anything to make Shelby see that Becca’s death was never her fault, but the fault of her father and all of the hateful church bullshit she’d been taught her entire life. 

“My dad, he always said that…that this life would only lead to me being alone, and maybe he was right, ya know?” 

Toni couldn’t help herself as she surged forward, grabbing both of Shelby’s hands in her own, forcing the girl to look her in the eyes. 

“No, Shelby, I don’t know. Your parents, they didn’t deserve you,” and Shelby went to pull her hands away, but Toni only gripped tighter. “You’re not alone, you have a family. It may not be a biological one, but you have one. Martha, Leah, Fatin, Dot, Nora, Rachel, _me._ You have me, you have all of me. Since the moment I saw you I’ve been yours. For six fucking years I’ve been yours,” Toni said, desperately trying to get Shelby to understand. 

Toni scanned Shelby’s face for any sign that she might believe her, but all she saw were the tears soaking her cheeks, and how her eyes were filled with a deep sadness that Toni had never seen before. 

“You deserve better, Toni,” Shelby said finally, and for some reason, it sounded a lot like “goodbye.” 

“That’s not for you to decide,” Toni said firmly. “Listen, I know it’s hard right now, but we can work through this. Maybe you could talk to someone, maybe Leah could recommend someone,” and then Shelby was shaking her head, pulling out of Toni’s grip and backing away from her. And she was mumbling frantically, “Stop, stop, stop,” as she pulled at the roots of her blonde hair. Toni had never seen her like that.

“Shelby, love, I want to help, okay? But you have to meet me halfway here,” Toni said, making her voice sound as calm as possible, despite how worried she actually was. “I’m not sure how much longer I can keep holding on for the both of us.” 

And she didn’t know why she said that because she would’ve kept holding on for as long as she needed because even when it hurt, the thought of leaving Shelby hurt more. Toni didn’t abandon people she loved. 

“No one is asking you to!” Shelby yelled, stopping abruptly. 

Toni’s eyes widened at the sudden outburst, and they just looked at each other, not saying a word. Shelby’s breathing was heavy and erratic and Toni was trying really hard not to cry. 

“Shelby,” Toni started, voice shaking. 

Shelby cut her off quickly, “You’re right. There are all these feelings resurfacing from my past and I…I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong, but you shouldn’t have to stick around while I figure it out.” 

“Shelby, that’s not, I didn’t mean,” Toni stuttered, trying so hard to get the words out, still trying to wrap her head around what exactly Shelby was getting at. 

“I can’t do this anymore, Toni. This isn’t fair to you,” Shelby said, and now it _really_ sounded like “goodbye.” 

Toni’s heart dropped into her stomach, a million different emotions swirling around in her head, confusion, heartbreak, anger. She settled on anger, the most familiar of the three, the one she knew how to show. Toni has always used anger to mask her more complicated emotions, and it had been no different at that moment.

“So it’s over? Just like that? Six years down the drain because you can’t seem to let go of that Southern Baptist bullshit,” Toni spit out, her voice laced with as much venom as she could muster. Shelby physically flinched at Toni’s words but didn’t say anything. Instead, she moved to grab her car keys from the bowl by the front door. She looked at Toni with tears in her eyes again, clutching her phone and keys in her hands. 

“If you leave now, I’m not coming after you,” Toni said, voice wavering slightly. 

“I don’t want you to,” Shelby said, and it sounded like a blatant lie but she turned around anyway and walked right out of their apartment. The apartment they’d shared for two years. The apartment had traces of Shelby in every corner, her smell on the sheets, her favorite blanket on their couch, the pictures of the two of them on the walls. 

The door closed behind her just as quickly as it was opened, and suddenly Toni felt like she couldn’t breathe. Her hands fumbled to grab the closest object, which happened to be the bowl by the front door. They had made it together at a pottery class they took with Leah and Fatin. It was god awful, but Shelby insisted they use it for something, so she placed it on the table by the front door, saying how perfect it was for their car keys. Toni flung it hard against the wall across from her, watched as it shattered into thousands of little pieces. 

Toni couldn’t help but think that the shattered bowl was a pretty good representation of how her heart felt right then as she slid to the floor and finally let herself cry. 

…

Toni wakes up to the sound of knocking on her hotel room door, and the first thing she notices is that she’s still in her swim trunks and tank top from earlier…today? Yesterday? She doesn’t really know. The knocking isn’t stopping though, and neither is the pounding in her head as she gets up to answer the door. She’s not sure who she was expecting on the other side, but Shelby smiling shyly, holding up a bag of takeout was _definitely_ not it. 

“Hey, I was just coming to see how you were feeling,” Shelby says. “And I brought burgers,” she adds. “What time is it?” Toni asks, rubbing her hands down her face. “A little after nine. Sorry, it’s been a few hours so I thought you’d be up, but I can go if you still want to rest,” Shelby says, biting her lip nervously as she looks anywhere but at Toni. “No, sorry, I’m good, just a little groggy. Do you want to come in?” And Shelby’s cheeks flush a light pink, but she nods and Toni moves out of the way, letting her slip into the hotel room. 

Shelby sits awkwardly on the edge of the bed, pulling out two containers from the bag. “Uh, they didn’t have American for your burger, so I had them do cheddar instead, I hope that’s okay,” Shelby says. Toni is still standing by the door, staring dumbly at Shelby as all the memories from earlier come flooding back. She helped Toni back to her room and now she’s back to check on her, bringing Toni’s favorite hangover food with her. 

Toni quickly realizes that she’s staring and probably making things more awkward than they need to be, so she joins Shelby on the bed, reminding herself to keep a good distance between them. “Yeah, that’s fine. Thanks for bringing me dinner, you didn’t have to do that,” Toni says, taking the burger that Shelby is now handing her. “It’s nothing, you were pretty out of it earlier so I just wanted to check in and make sure you were feeling okay.”

Toni laughs, “Yeah day drinking is weird. Like I got drunk, went to bed, and woke up hungover all in the same day.” 

Shelby laughs with her, “Well Leah was worse than you were, what the hell were ya’ll drinking?” 

Toni snorts, “Leah tried just about every frozen daiquiri flavor they had, plus she’s just a lightweight…like someone else I know,” she adds, causing Shelby to roll her eyes. “Oh whatever, that just means I don’t have to spend as much on drinks,” Shelby says, and Toni’s laughing hard before she can stop herself. “Oh please, you’ve never had to buy your own drinks and you know it,” she says, taking another bite of her burger. Shelby blushes _again_ and makes no move to correct what Toni’s just claimed. 

They eat in silence for a few minutes, but once they both finish their burgers, it gets a little awkward. Toni doesn’t know what to say, unsure of what conversation topics are okay, and which ones aren’t. She’s in the process of psyching herself up to say something when Shelby beats her to it. 

“I’ve started going to therapy,” she blurts out. Toni’s eyes widen at her admission. 

“Oh,” she says, immediately cursing at herself internally for not knowing quite what to say. Shelby doesn’t seem to care because she continues anyway. “It’s been about eight months actually,” Shelby says, and she’s fumbling with the hem of her cotton shorts. “Shelby, you don’t have to tell me any of this,” Toni says gently, but Shelby shakes her head, closes her eyes and draws in a big breath. “I think I underestimated just how good I was at pretending everything was okay. I thought I was okay with who I am just because I was in love with another woman, but did you know I had never once said the words out loud?”

And now that Toni thinks about it, she can’t really recall a time where Shelby ever said the words “I’m gay.” 

“That was one of the first things we worked on, just having me get used to sayin’ it. And I guess I just need you to know that I…that I’m a lesbian,” Shelby says, pushing the words out in one quick breath. Toni smiles, reaches out, and grabs Shelby’s hand, causing her green eyes to meet Toni’s. And Toni looks at her, searching her face for any signs of shame or discomfort, but she doesn’t see any of that. She sees the person she met eight years ago, but a more authentic version. She sees the familiar light in those green eyes she fell in love with, but there’s something new there too; pride. 

“I’m _really_ happy for you, Shelby,” Toni says, and she hopes Shelby believes her. Shelby smiles at her, and it’s one filled with relief like she was worried that Toni, of all people, would somehow reject her. 

“There’s still things I’m working on, there’s a lot of stuff I kept buried deep down, but I’m finally okay with who I am, wholeheartedly. And I know that how I acted towards you wasn’t right, but I need you to know that the way I was feeling about myself doesn’t change how I felt about you for all those years, Toni. You know that, right?” 

Shelby’s looking at her now like it’s essential that Toni understands this, and she does, but Toni notices that Shelby’s using the past tense, to describe how she felt, and Toni wishes she could do the same. Instead, she feels that ache return in her chest, the ache she felt for months after Shelby left, and the ache she felt the minute she saw her at the airport a few days ago. At this point, she wonders if it’ll ever truly go away. 

Toni musters up a smile. “I know, Shelby,” she says, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze before making herself let go. It’s quiet again before Toni speaks up. “I should probably try and sleep some more. Martha wants to go ziplining in the morning,” she says. 

Shelby’s eyes widen in realization, “Oh, right. She told me about that. Sorry, I’ll get out your hair,” she says, and almost frantically starts gathering the trash around them, shoving it back into the takeout bag. Toni has to bite back a laugh at how easily embarrassed and flustered Shelby’s getting right now. It’s an odd change of pace considering Toni was normally the flustered one in their relationship. “You should come,” she’s hearing herself say, and Shelby’s movements stop almost immediately. 

“Really? Are you sure?” she asks, surprise clear on her face. 

“Yeah, of course. You love that shit,” Toni says, and Shelby’s biting back a grin.

“Okay, then yeah, I’d love to,” Shelby says, no longer hiding her excitement. “I guess I’ll see you in the morning then?” 

“Yeah, sounds good,” Toni says, and she watches as Shelby gathers her things and heads for the door. “Shelby,” Toni calls out, causing her to turn around. 

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks for checking in, and for dinner. I appreciate it,” Toni says, feeling somewhat shy all of a sudden, actively ignoring the feeling she has in the pit of her stomach, the feeling that’s telling her to say something… _more._

It’s different now though, Toni has to remind herself. They’re friends. They’re going ziplining tomorrow. They’re friends. Just friends. 

A beat passes between the two women as they look at each other from across the hotel room until Shelby smiles a warm, _friendly_ smile. “It was nothing. Goodnight, Toni,” she says, turning back around and heading for the door. 

“Night,” Toni breathes out, but Shelby is already gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. we love repressed religious trauma!!  
> hopefully some things are cleared up now! as always, thanks for reading:-)


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